Dearest Gentle Reader,
We hope this finds you well and at ease, or as nearly so as is just right for you right now.
We're reaching out today to share a little about how folks sometimes adapt a habit of Survival Appease ('people-pleasing") in resistance to being seen as a victim, and what we can do about it.
Like too many others in the world today, when we were both young, "a bad thing happened" to each of us. The details aren't important at this moment, but in both cases it was the sort of thing you don't want to happen... And ever since then, we've both had a sensitivity toward being seen, or seeing our self, as a victim.
And like too many others, we suffered through it in silence and on our own. So it wasn't until much later, as we started to work in the field of emotional intelligence, neuroscience, and trauma, that we realized we actually weren't alone in this desire to not identify as a victim. It's an absolutely normal trauma response.
It's not enjoyable, but it's normal.
And those of us that have experienced personal trespass in particular, often subconsciously, attempt to duck the notion of victimhood in two noteworthy ways:
1. Going with the flow
If we don't have a strong will, then no one can take us against our will! This subconscious strategy is to:
• not cause a fuss
• say yes as much as possible
• take whatever is offered
• be easy, period
The positive aspect of this neural habit is that we're then game for anything and people say we're casual and fun to be with. And in terms of our core wound – no one is making us do anything, we are voluntarily doing everything. And since it's our choice to do these things, then we are certainly not victims of anything or anyone.
The negative aspect of this habit is that we don't have a clear sense of where we end and others begin. Our sense of self is muted by the desire to do what others are interested in. And, we never learn to look for what we want, or to say No, despite the rewards our No offers.
In neuroscientific terms – at the Center for Emotional Education, we call this strategy Hypo-Arousal Appease or just Hypo-Appease. The net result is still to stay safer by being pleasing. In this case, the method of pleasing is just to accept whatever is offered. We may not even recognize it as Survival Mode, because we don't experience much reactivity, activation, or energy behind it.
2. Getting it done
If we jump out front, and take on responsibilities eagerly and effectively, then we are more in control of what happens. This subconscious neural habit involves:
• volunteering to lead lots of things
• working harder and longer
• over-giving, over-organizing, over-efforting
• attempting to be irreplaceable
The positive aspect of this Survival adaptation is that we're then often appreciated, included, and invited! People say they love us for helping so much, taking on difficult tasks, and running the show. And in terms of our core wound – we're not being made to do anything that isn't right for us because we've made sure that we are the ones determining what's going to happen and how. We have completely eliminated the possibility of being victims because we are laboriously involved in every parameter of the event/moment/relationship. If we're controlling everything, (even if we're taking all of it on, and more than is right for us) we can't be victim to anything.
The negative aspect of this adaptation is that we are overworked, overburdened, overstressed, and completely exhausted. We can't stop doing the organizing, planning, and executing because then we will be vulnerable to someone else's choices and ideas. And, we never learn the pleasure of being loved just for being us, because all of the love and praise is directed toward what we do – since we're always doing.
In neuroscientific terms – we call this strategy Hyper-Arousal Appease, or just Hyper-Appease. This set includes those of us who figuratively or literally become a martyr for our cause. We burn the candle at both ends and in the middle. And often, there isn't time to consider our self, or our needs, or, importantly, whether or not we're being taken advantage of.
Do these strategies sound familiar <<First Name>>?
Realizing that our Survival habits are getting in the way of our enjoyment, relationships, and sense of self, can be fairly upsetting. Any feelings you may be experiencing while reading this are totally understandable.
(Maybe let's pause for a moment, and give ourselves a little loving empathy... It makes sense for some unpleasant emotion to come up here. Almost all of us feel some discomfort and/or discomfiture when looking at internal dynamics like these.)
And, when you're ready to gently explore shifting this habit, please allow us to invite you to...
Notice
A great place to start is just to notice when you've tipped into the mode of "I'm easy! Whatever you want, I'm up for it." (Hypo-Appease), or "I can take that on! I'm on it!" (Hyper-Appease). Even if you don't stop yourself, noticing that your nervous system is cueing a Survival reaction is effective in initiating habit change. Interrupting autopilot reactions with awareness is the first and most crucial step in any brain rewiring.
Have compassion
We came by this neural habit of Appease honestly. We needed Survival Mode to survive our experience. So we implore you to be gentle with yourself.
I (Natalie) notice that my inclination to make the family dinner every single night originates from my Survival Hyper-Arousal Appease reaction. If I am the one making dinner then I am not put in the vulnerable, "victim-y" position of just accepting what someone else does or does not make for me. Being the point person for meals is my Survival System's attempt at combatting the anxiety that comes up for me. And yet, despite my awareness, and my ability to regulate out of Survival Mode – I keep this habit.
The difference is, now I cook as a form of compassion for myself. What an easy way to meet my needs for safety, security, predictability, and control!
And I (Nathan) notice my inclinations to not have an opinion, and to turn decisions back to others, and to never be the one to go first (usually last) all originate in my historical Hypo-Arousal Appease adaptation. If I keep my focus out there on everyone else, then I'm not to blame (by them or me) if things go awry, I'm more assured of their continued positive appraisal and treatment of me, and however it plays out I have magnanimously signed up for it, so I can't be a "victim". If I don't have an opinion, I can't be "wrong", like I was when I was a kid.
The difference for me now is that because I am aware of it, and I can regulate out of Survival Mode, I get to know what I like, and want, and need. I get to ask for it and act on it, while still maintaining belonging with myself and my people. And instead of seeing that as weakness, or neediness, or victimhood, I now know it is self-compassionate power.
You can develop a similar level of awareness and compassion around your Survival habits, <<First Name>>. Some of them you may want to actively retire. Others you may want to simply reframe and reclaim.
If you want to accelerate your ability to notice and shift Survival habits, Emotional Sovereignty School is designed specifically for that. We'd be honoured to team up with you.
And in the meantime, keep up that gentle noticing and tender self-compassion.
We're rooting for you.
Much love,
Natalie and Nathan
