What If Your Native Language Could Transform Your Emotional Well-being?

How's it going with you?

We're writing today because we learned something cool. Want to hear it?

Whether your native language is English, Spanish, West Coast surfer, or a Deep Southern drawl, according to the American Psychological Association...
 

Emotional support in our own native language is more effective in comparison to any secondary language.

Understanding and interpreting our ideas, experiences, and emotions in our primary language comes more naturally to us. We can fluidly and spontaneously express our feelings or describe our situation without pause and without concern for being misunderstood. This means that our Emotional System is unhindered, and fully supported. And that means we are well set up to navigate troubled waters and return to equilibrium.

And "native language" takes many forms doesn't it? Sure, it refers to the actual language we speak, but also to the context of our stories and the adjectives we use to qualify them. In this way, it's really helpful when our support person can personally understand literally where we're coming from.
 

It feels good when we're talking to someone that truly gets it.

Do you have one of those people?

Here at the Center, our NeuroEmotional Coaching modality can support anyone and everyone to rewire their brains to have less stress, overwhelm, and anxiety, and more ease, joy, and peace. But each of us also has our own context, history, and backgrounds that can bring even more comfort and support to our clients.

Ana Muriel is one of the most recent graduates of our rigorous NeuroEmotional Coaching Certification program, and we feel great delight to report that she has now joined the Center for Emotional Education coaching team!

Ana loves working with Spanish-speaking, creative, high-achieving, immigrant mothers navigating the challenges of motherhood and self-identity while living in a different culture.

She says:
 

"In a world where many of us carry the title of "immigrant," the reasons behind our journeys often shape how we see ourselves and navigate our lives. Whether you chose to migrate seeking new horizons and opportunities, or were compelled to leave your homeland due to difficult circumstances, your story is unique—and so is the strength it has given you.

For many women, particularly mothers who are navigating the complexities of raising children in a foreign culture, where the mother tongue is not anymore the dominant language at home, and where the smell, sounds and tastes from the new culture take over, the path can feel overwhelming. You may have left your home for love, a career, or the promise of a better future, only to find yourself grappling with loneliness, guilt, or the pressure of not doing enough. These are not just surface-level challenges; they can manifest as deep, somatic imprints—stress that settles into your body, affecting your sense of identity and your ability to enjoy the life you've worked so hard to build."

Getting the right kind of support for who we truly are, in the current circumstances we face, can make all the difference in the world.

And who doesn't want their emotional support to be as effective as possible???

Each of our coaches has their own dream clients they love to work with.

Want to hear some more?

Coach Kate Collins is drawn toward working with motherless-mothers, who have lost their mom to death, abandonment, or chosen separation before becoming a mother themselves, and who also navigate perfectionism and a harsh inner critic.

Coach Sue Preneta loves working with post-menopausal north-easterners, recently divorced, condiitioned to hustle, and rediscovering their sexuality.

Coach Lauren Falconer really enjoys supporting busy women in their 40’s and 50’s, who are navigating life transitions, and struggling with sensitivity and overwhelm. 

Coach, and co-founder of the Center for Emotional Education, Nathan M McTague is currently particularly drawn to teaming up with mid-life mystics who, despite all their magical tools, need more support in grieving the death of a loved one.

Coach, and co-founder of the Center for Emotional Education, Natalie Christensen, delights in working with folks she calls thoroughbreds – who are full of power, charisma, and appeal, but are sometimes held back and stopped from the full extent of their awesomeness by fear and sometimes shame.

Do you have someone that really speaks your language and knows just where you're coming from <<First Name>>?

Whether it's with one of us or someone already in your circle, we really encourage you to find someone with whom you can share your heart. Humans aren't meant to do all this tough stuff alone. We all need someone walking by our side, saying:

I hear you.
I understand you.
I'll stay with you.


And in any case and always, we're sending you so much love,
The Center for Emotional Education Team

ps. If you'd like to speak with one of our coaches about your situation and the support you need, we encourage you to book a complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session with one of us.

Do THIS to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids

Sweetest greetings to you, <<First Name>>,

How is your week starting off?
And if you give yourself a moment to tune in, what feelings do you notice with you now?

If you don't know the answer to that, there is a good chance that the children in your life don't either. Emotional self-awareness is the number one factor for Emotional Intelligence and it's taught through modeling!
 

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Daniel Goldman, who wrote the book: Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, outlines five elements of EQ: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Motivation, Empathy, and Socialization.
Here at the Center we think about it slightly differently, and in our Real EQ Test, we assess:
- Self-Awareness
- Self-Management
- Social Skills
- Emotional Sovereignty
 

Start at the Foundation

Emotional Intelligence is now considered far more powerful in shaping a successful and fulfilling life than Intellectual Intelligence (IQ), and each of the elements named above are crucial for overall proficiency. But Self-Awareness is the best place to start when supporting Emotional Intelligence because without it, developing the other elements of EQ becomes impossible.

Unlike multiplication tables, children do not learn Self-Awareness through flashcards, worksheets, and textbooks, they learn it like they learn their native tongue, by swimming in the self-aware, emotionally intelligent waters of their environment. 
 

Model It

For children to become fluent in emotion, they need to hear this "language" daily and in multiple contexts, so here's a (non-exhaustive) list of ways to fold emotional awareness into your daily habits:

1. Name feelings when you feel them.
When the hose gets a hole in it again, figure out what you're feeling and say it out loud:
"Dang it! I feel so much FRUSTRATION around this stupid hose leaking! OMG I feel a lot of IRRITATION about this."

2. Ask specific HOW questions instead of WHAT questions.
Not:
"What did you do at school?"
Instead:
"How do you feel about the new seating assignment at school?"

3. Do emotional translations.
When the child says the dinner is stupid, make your best guess and translate their sentence into emotional awareness and pose it back to them as a question.
Child: "Ah man. Lentil soup is stupid."
Caregiver: "Are you feeling some disappointment about this soup?"
(Likely they will correct you and supply the more specifically accurate emotion they are feeling, which is great! That's self-awareness!)

4. Post a feelings list, or hang a Feeleez poster and use it.
When you, or a child in your home, is experiencing some upset, let a resource like a feelings list or a feelings poster do some of the heavy lifting. Sometimes it can be difficult to identify a feeling, but when we see it written or illustrated it can really help with the identification and expression.

5. Team up to make emotional translations for scenes in movies or TV shows.
While you'e watching a movie, or when you're reflecting on it later, it can be helpful to revisit scenes and put those scenes into an emotional context. In this way children start to see themselves and others through this lens, connecting actions to feelings.

"It seems like Nemo's dad feels a lot of worry and that's why he wants Nemo to be super careful all the time, what do you think?"

6. Don't make feelings right or wrong.
If a child names a feeling they're experiencing, it's important not to try to talk them out of it (even if it doesn't make sense to us), tell them that's not the right feeling for the situation, or even praise them for having a feeling we appreciate. When we do, we send the clear signal that some feelings are adult-approved and some are not, and that there is a right and a wrong way to experience the world. If we give kids the sense that they can do feelings incorrectly, they won't want to recognize, explore, or express their feelings with us. That's bad for Self-Awareness and terrible for developing EQ.

Not:
"It doesn't make sense to worry, honey, because there is literally nothing to worry about!"
(Example of talking them out of a feeling)
Instead: "Feeling some worry, huh? I hear ya. What parts are most worrisome?"

Not:
"What do you mean, you're sad?! When someone gives you a present you're supposed to be happy!"
(Example of making the feeling wrong.)
Instead:
"Oh wow, I didn't expect sadness... Want to tell me more about what's happening for you?"

Not: 
"You're feeling brave? Good for you kid! That's how to be a BIG BOY!"
(Example of favoring one emotion over others, and indicating that a person should feel a particular way.)
Instead:
"You're feeling brave? Wow! It seems like you're really enjoying that feeling! Want to tell me what brave means to you?"

7. Play emotion-based games.
Nothing makes emotional learning more fun than having fun while doing it! The options are endless with this one, like... 
– Feelings Charades: where one person acts out a feeling and the others try to guess.
– Feelings Mashup: where everyone tries to make their face show two feelings at once.
– Feeleez Matching Game: a classic memory game where all the cards depict feelings.

Any game that involves talking about feelings raises Self-Awareness and increases emotional vocabulary.

8. Make it routine.
Don't wait for a blue moon or a leap year to mention emotion. Make naming feelings commonplace. In fact, building feelings check-ins into the routines of the day ensures that you don't let this valuable practice slide. 
Perhaps...
– Name feelings anytime you hit a red light.
– Name feelings before bedtime stories.
– Name feelings during the walk to school.

9. What ideas do you have for modeling emotional awareness? 
The good news is that anytime you talk about feelings you normalize Self-Awareness and help kids have the language to identify and express their own. They're going to mimic you, so how do you want to make naming feelings a regular part of your life together?
 

You'll Get it Next Time

Building Self-Awareness and modeling it for the kids we love is a process. We're definitely going to miss opportunities to lead by example, and likely we're going to have feelings about that! So go ahead and name those (whether or not kids are around), give yourself some grace, kindness, and empathy, and then say: "I'll get it next time!"

With those words, your brain will help you flag this moment as something to pay attention to, likely increasing your chances of remembering next time.

In any case, we care about you and the kids you love. We're cheering for you all! Let us know how this lands for you and share any ideas that you come up with!

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

Grief, Emotional Intelligence, and an Invite

How's your day unfolding? 

We're reaching out to touch on a tender subject...

If you've had the benefit of taking our preeminent assessment: The Real EQ Test, then you know that two (of the four) categories of Emotional Intelligence that we test are Self-Awareness and Self-Management.

Self-Awareness boils down to: What am I experiencing? And what effect am I having on the world around me?
Self-Management centers around: How am I navigating my emotional experience? And what do I need to do to have the effect I want?
 

Both Self-Awareness and Self-Management can be deeply impacted or disrupted when someone we love passes.

Grief is complicated. Each of us experiences it differently. And because so many additional emotions always accompany grief, it can be exceedingly difficult to identify what we are feeling at any given time. Our very ability to notice our self (and our effect on others) tends to dim during a grieving season. We lose our Self-Awareness.

Additionally, because of the way nervous system activation and brain states work, our grief forces us to try and cope with all of life from an ultra-low-Capacity, nearly Survival Mode much of the time. And our ability to navigate our emotional experience is also greatly compromised. We lose our Self-Management.

If we don't find ways to actively and healthily grieve, then not only does our overall Emotional Intelligence suffer (with all of the related ramifications), but all aspects of our lives are harder.
 

And in the hardest time of our lives, grieving people don't need anything to be harder.

We understand. 

If these words speak to you, and you'd like an opportunity for some gentle, active, useful grieving – please join us for:

The Grief Well is a sacred set of rituals...

designed to support you wherever you are now in your process. Our intention with this offering is to provide emotionally safe and nurturing space for individual and collective mourning, reflection, and connection.

The Grief Well invites you to gather online with us and others around the world from the comfort of your own private space, and where we can be together with our feelings around the passing of our loved ones. We’ll tenderly guide you through a simple but profound ceremony that honours the depth of your grief, helps you navigate some of the complex emotions in your grieving process, and supports you in continuing to cultivate the love at the center of it all.
 

There’s a Place for You and Your Grief

The Grief Well is more than a ceremony. It’s a compassionate community experience that fosters healthy expression and maintenance of vital love. 

While the ceremony is designed to be a cogent, and systematic process, everything we will invite you to do is optional. You have room to opt in or out of each ritual in order to suit your interests and to tend to your own safety and level of emotion.

Whether you are newly bereaved or have been carrying your grief for some time, you are welcome to join us. Together, we can create a space where healing, remembrance, and connection coexist.
 

Event Details

We gather on the evening of the Super-Blue-Full “Sturgeon” Moon
August 19th 
5:30pm Pacific/8:30pm Eastern

When you register, you’ll get a confirmation and reminder emails with the zoom link to join and a list of items to consider bringing and/or preparing for the ceremony.

You can read more here, and/or save your spot by clicking the button below.


Many blessings to you on your way. 🙏🖤 

And much love,
Natalie and Nathan

Which Survival Reaction Is Best?

Hey there!

How's it going in your world?

Want to take a little break and play a game? It's called:
 

Which Survival Reaction is Best?

Let's introduce the players...
 

In the orange trunks we have..... Survival Fight!

This reaction is a brawler! When our nervous system instantaneously selects this reaction to fend off a predator we can expect all the blood to rush to our big, powerful, fighting muscles. From this mode we have super-human strength and off-the-charts bravery. We plunge into battle swinging mightily!
 

In the aquamarine trunks we have... Survival Flight!

This reaction is a sprinter! When our nervous system instantaneously selects this reaction to fend off a predator we can expect all the blood to rush to our thighs and quads, giving them the energy they need to get us out of there fast! From this mode we are lightning-quick and can escape easily. We dash away from danger without any hesitation!
 

In the silver trunks we have... Survival Freeze!

This reaction is a statue! When our nervous system instantaneously selects this reaction to fend off a predator we can expect all the blood to rush away from our extremities. From this mode we can stay super still and quiet and may even appear dead. We remain unnoticed by hungry predators and live to see another day!
 

And in the purple trunks we have... Survival Appease!

Coming in later in the evolutionary race, this reaction is a charmer! When our nervous system instantaneously selects this reaction to fend off a predator we can expect all the blood to rush either toward our spine – giving us that super-cool laid-back vibe, or to the chest – giving us that engaged and helpful vibe! From this mode we are poised to self-sacrifice. We may give up an arm, a leg, or our vital supplies in order to momentarily please a predator, but at least we don't die!
 

So... which one will win against the predator??

Well... that's actually something our nervous system decides for us in less than two-milliseconds! The human design is brilliant and our Survival System makes the very best calculation for staying alive given the type of predator, the context, and our current physical abilities and energy reserves. We don't even have time to think about it.

Amazing right?
 

But... which one wins at life?

Well... each of these reactions has their own advantage in a life-or-death situation. They're all winners. But then it comes to actually living and not just surviving?
 

They're all losers.

Big time losers.

When we live from Survival Fight and meet regular-life challenges from this mode, we are at risk of becoming verbally and physically violent, wanting to or actually hurting loved ones, and perhaps getting in trouble for violence.

When we live from Survival Flight and meet regular-life challenges from this mode, we are at risk of physical avoidance, emotional distance, and chemical and other addictions (like exercise, or sex).

When we live from Survival Freeze and meet regular-life challenges from this mode, we are at risk of “failing to launch”, physical debilitation, and depression, etc.

When we live from Survival Appease and meet regular-life challenges from this mode, we are at risk of being misused, possibly abused, burnout, fatigue and loss of self.

A common mistake is when we identify ourselves using a survival reaction (and suffering from adverse ramifications of that reaction), and we decide to quit reacting that way, cold turkey. But if we don't get any support to move out of survival mode, we accidentally just pivot to a different survival reaction. 

And that doesn't work to have a better life because all survival reactions are bad at living.
 

So if you want to place a bet on a winner, place it on yourself, and take the steps to get out of survival mode, every time it happens.

- drink some water
- have a snack
- take time and move slowly
- lengthen your exhales
- get in touch with your body

There are about 56,890,567 strategies for getting out of survival mode. If you want to get some personal support and learn some of them, just respond to this letter and we'll help you out.

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

Building the Entrepreneurial Nervous System

Grab a spot in our free POP UP workshop!

 

Building the Entrepreneurial Nervous System

REGISTRATION CLOSES TONIGHT AT (7/23) AT 6PM, PACIFIC
 

Dear &lt;&lt;First Name>>,

We hope this message finds you well and thriving!

We're writing with a time-sensitive reminder about tomorrow's workshop, "Building the Entrepreneurial Nervous System". Over the years, we've had the privilege of supporting countless entrepreneurs, helping them navigate the emotional and practical challenges of running a mission-driven business. Now, we're excited to bring this transformative experience directly to our community.

If you have a business, are looking to start one, or have a loved one in this position, this workshop is a great and supportive idea!
 

This workshop is designed to help folks:

• Manage their emotional system and rewire their brain for entrepreneurial success.

• Circumvent common obstacles like procrastination, perfectionism, and burnout.

• Learn practical strategies for maintaining balance and resilience in their business and personal life.

Here are a few highlights of what people will gain from attending:

• An Exploration into Emotional Sovereignty: Understand and manage your emotions to enhance your personal and professional life.

• Effective Tools and Strategies: Learn our 3-Part Pre-Action Protocol to regulate your nervous system and allow for productivity.

• Personalized Support and Guidance: Get access to our expertise and receive tailored advice to help you succeed.

You have one more chance to enroll! The workshop is happening tomorrow, and if this is right for you, we don't want you to miss it.

Date & Time:

Tomorrow at:
- 9:30am Pacific,
- 12pm Pacific,
or
- 2:30pm Pacific
 

Location:

Zoom

Secure Your Spot in the Workshop

If you're ready to have a business you love and enjoy the success you work so hard for, this could be the missing link. 

We believe in you!
 

With love,

Nathan and Natalie
Co-Founders, The Center for Emotional Education

P.S. If you're not working on your own business, or looking to start one, will you please send this along to someone who is and could use a boost? Thanks!

New Pop Up! How to Build the Entrepreneurial Nervous System

We're having a free POP UP workshop!

 

Building the Entrepreneurial Nervous System

The Problem So Many Of Us Face…

Owning and running a business usually requires extreme personal development. Seriously. It's a spiritual growth practice like no other...

On top of that, if you’re an entrepreneur on a mission (like us), then you got into business because of something you love to do, or have a passion to offer to the world. You’re here to create change, not just make a buck.

And at the same time, you’ve got to have a sustainable business or you don’t get to keep working toward your mission.

Many of us “Impactpreneurs”, who got into the work we do in order to make a difference in the lives of others, struggle because we don’t think of ourselves as “business people”.

We don’t want to be seen as smarmy sales hacks.

This can wind up blocking us from taking the vital actions we need to take for our business to work. Instead, we wind up:

• Fighting with our self or all the things we need to do; or
   

• Getting distracted with learning another new modality, or doing other less important things on our to-do list; or
   

• Going to do some necessary task and just freezing up, getting sleepy, and not being able to think or be creative about how to address it; or
   

• Getting stuck in trying to make it all perfect before we do anything, and feeling so much shame because we aren’t perfect yet.

In order to be who we have to be for our business to be sustainable – so we can keep giving our gifts...
 

...we’ve got to train our nervous system to chill out so we can let our Executive Brain run the show.

This workshop is going to help you discover exactly how to do that!
 

Here are some Key Takeaways:

• Understanding Your Nervous System: Among other vital insights, learn to recognize and quickly address symptoms of dysregulation and charge.
   

• Emotional Regulation Techniques: Explore effective methods to manage and recover from stress, reduce anxiety, and ensure you maintain peak performance.
   

• Neuroplasticity and Resilience: Learn how to reprogram your brain for flexibility, adaptability, and durability – so you function like a boss.
   

• Mind-Body Connection: Discover how you can easily incorporate practices to enhance overall mental, emotional, and physical integration and harmony.
   

• Practical Tools for Entrepreneurs: Get actionable insights and strategies tailored to the unique demands of entrepreneurship – ensuring that you stay focused, motivated, and productive. (Even if you’ve struggle with all of these before!)
   

Who should attend? At least...

1. Holistic practitioners just getting serious about being business owners, who have taken the “grow your business” courses, and are still too overcome by fear, or shame, or overwhelm (or all 3) to do anything with it.
    

2. Newer business owners struggling with procrastination, lack of focus, and imposter syndrome blocking them from launching, marketing, and/or growing their enterprise.
    

3. Established entrepreneurs and business leaders looking to improve their emotional and mental resilience and increase their efficiency and effectiveness.
    

4. Professionals experiencing stress they can’t recover from, anxiety they can’t manage, and teetering on the edge of burnout.

You've probably done mindset work before.

This isn't that.

You've probably also done strategic planning of your time and work load.

This isn't that either.

You may have even done some breakthrough coaching to snap out of old paradigms and habits.

This isn't anything like that either.

Those things are all fantastic and highly useful. But if they haven't made the difference for you, then maybe it's time to do something different.

This. IS. That.

Unless you've worked with us already, we can almost guarantee you that you haven't been asked to approach your business this way. And if you're like us and all the others we've now helped, this could be the thing that changes everything.
 

What are the Details?

Join us for this one-day-only free 90-minute workshop.

Wednesday July 24th on Zoom

•  9:30am Pacific/12:30pm Eastern, or
   

• 12pm Pacific/3:00pm Eastern, or
   

• 2:30pm Pacific/5:30pm Eastern

Pick which of the 3 times you want to attend and register here: 

Building the Entrepreneurial Nervous System (free)

And let us know if you have any questions or need any support accessing the time of your choice.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan
The Center for Emotional Education Team

3 Hot Tips for Surviving Summer

Seasonal Salutations!

We hope this finds you enjoying the delights of whatever season you're amidst in your part of the world – with your exact-right flavors of coziness, and pleasure, and connection!

We're coming through today with some hot tips for surviving Summer in the Northern Hemisphere. (If you happen to be Down Under, then bookmark this letter for your warm months! Or see how you can apply these concepts to your chilliness instead...)

The funny thing about being human is that we have these brains that are doing their thing. All! The! Time!

Every day, our processing can move between the Survival State, Emotional State, and Executive State – multiple times! – which means that on any given day we may feel the intense adrenaline and cortisol attributed to Survival Mode, the layers of confusing emotions involved with Emotional Mode, and, if we're lucky and/or trained in Emotional Sovereignty, we might get to feel the glow of being our rad selves in Executive Mode.

And these Brain States are running our experience every second! Even in the sweet summertime.
 

So here are three smokin' tips for keeping each brain state at ease in the dog days of Summer.

1. Survival State: Keep that Body Temp. Regulated

The needs of the Survival System are basic: food, water, shelter, safety, time, and temperature. When one of these needs gets neglected, then look out, here comes the primal version of ourselves! Unless we have training, when this happens we're likely to:

• snap at others

• make rash decisions

• give up on things that matter to us

• betray ourselves

So, particularly in these hotter months, take temperature seriously!

1. Dress for the weather

2. Wear a sun hat – even if it looks dorky

3. Organize your time, so that any driving or errand-running happens in the cool hours

4. Find shade, even if you think you don't need it

2. Emotional State: Normalize Bummer Feelings

There is a common expectation that Summer is nothing but fun! It's time to frolic and be happy! Hello sunny days and goodbye rainy days – literally and metaphorically!

But – *spoiler alert* – feelings happen in Summer too. 

Just like Summer cold viruses are normal, Summer blues like overwhelm, stress, loneliness, yearning, nostalgia, anxiety, and anger are also normal. Just because the sun is out doesn't mean the feelings aren't!

So let's normalize feelings in the Summer months. Give yourself permission to notice the feelings and indulge them by talking about them, expressing them, and tending to them. If your sadness needs to cuddle up in a blanket, do it!

(Just make sure you don't get overheated, because then that Survival Brain State is gonna surge forward and start "gnashing its teeth".)

 

3. Executive State: Meet Needs that Summer Doesn't

If the Survival state's job is to keep us alive, and the Emotional state's job is to keep us connected to our feelings (and to others via feelings), then the Executive state's job is to tend to higher-order needs like:
Adventure
Discovery
Structure
Predictability
Peace
Play
Meaning
Etc.
(You can check out our awesome needs list here)

Summer is a great venue for meeting some needs like Adventure and Play, and can be downright awful for meeting others like Structure and Predictability. So when Summer takes a swing at some of your key needs, you want to find ways to reinforce them in other ways.

For instance, if kids being out of school and staying up late jangles your needs for Structure and Predictability, then perhaps look for ways to meet those needs by:

• declaring Tuesdays, "Taco Tuesday!", and eating tacos every Tuesday for the rest of the Summer. (Need met: Predictability, among others)

• doing two pull-ups before breakfast, before lunch, and before dinner every day. (Need met: Structure, among others)

• making a list of things to which you are a strong "No", things to which you are a strong "Yes", and things to which you need time to consider. (Need met: Predictability among others)

In other words, when life gets less structured and less predictable, and you really need those things, you can make sure that you become more predictable and more structured in areas over which you do have control.


An enjoyable life is a neuroemotionally fluid one! If we tend to each Brain State and give it what it needs, then our nervous systems will hum with efficiency and flexibility.


So here's to your Summer self! May you love it well.

We're always rooting for you.


With love,
Natalie and Nathan
💛

The very best way to live your best self every season of the year is to get some training in how to really work these Brain States. Join us for the best trauma-informed, inclusive, community-based, Emotional Intelligence training under the Summer sun!

I'm Not a Victim: How our Survival Habits Shape Us

Dearest Gentle Reader,

We hope this finds you well and at ease, or as nearly so as is just right for you right now.

We're reaching out today to share a little about how folks sometimes adapt a habit of Survival Appease ('people-pleasing") in resistance to being seen as a victim, and what we can do about it. 

Like too many others in the world today, when we were both young, "a bad thing happened" to each of us. The details aren't important at this moment, but in both cases it was the sort of thing you don't want to happen... And ever since then, we've both had a sensitivity toward being seen, or seeing our self, as a victim.

And like too many others, we suffered through it in silence and on our own. So it wasn't until much later, as we started to work in the field of emotional intelligence, neuroscience, and trauma, that we realized we actually weren't alone in this desire to not identify as a victim. It's an absolutely normal trauma response.

It's not enjoyable, but it's normal.

And those of us that have experienced personal trespass in particular, often subconsciously, attempt to duck the notion of victimhood in two noteworthy ways:
 

1. Going with the flow

If we don't have a strong will, then no one can take us against our will! This subconscious strategy is to:
• not cause a fuss 
• say yes as much as possible
• take whatever is offered
• be easy, period

The positive aspect of this neural habit is that we're then game for anything and people say we're casual and fun to be with. And in terms of our core wound – no one is making us do anything, we are voluntarily doing everything. And since it's our choice to do these things, then we are certainly not victims of anything or anyone.

The negative aspect of this habit is that we don't have a clear sense of where we end and others begin. Our sense of self is muted by the desire to do what others are interested in. And, we never learn to look for what we want, or to say No, despite the rewards our No offers.

In neuroscientific terms – at the Center for Emotional Education, we call this strategy Hypo-Arousal Appease or just Hypo-Appease. The net result is still to stay safer by being pleasing. In this case, the method of pleasing is just to accept whatever is offered. We may not even recognize it as Survival Mode, because we don't experience much reactivity, activation, or energy behind it.

 

2. Getting it done

If we jump out front, and take on responsibilities eagerly and effectively, then we are more in control of what happens. This subconscious neural habit involves:
• volunteering to lead lots of things
• working harder and longer 
• over-giving, over-organizing, over-efforting
• attempting to be irreplaceable

The positive aspect of this Survival adaptation is that we're then often appreciated, included, and invited! People say they love us for helping so much, taking on difficult tasks, and running the show. And in terms of our core wound – we're not being made to do anything that isn't right for us because we've made sure that we are the ones determining what's going to happen and how. We have completely eliminated the possibility of being victims because we are laboriously involved in every parameter of the event/moment/relationship. If we're controlling everything, (even if we're taking all of it on, and more than is right for us) we can't be victim to anything.

The negative aspect of this adaptation is that we are overworked, overburdened, overstressed, and completely exhausted. We can't stop doing the organizing, planning, and executing because then we will be vulnerable to someone else's choices and ideas. And, we never learn the pleasure of being loved just for being us, because all of the love and praise is directed toward what we do – since we're always doing.

In neuroscientific terms – we call this strategy Hyper-Arousal Appease, or just Hyper-Appease. This set includes those of us who figuratively or literally become a martyr for our cause. We burn the candle at both ends and in the middle. And often, there isn't time to consider our self, or our needs, or, importantly, whether or not we're being taken advantage of.

 

Do these strategies sound familiar <<First Name>>?

Realizing that our Survival habits are getting in the way of our enjoyment, relationships, and sense of self, can be fairly upsetting. Any feelings you may be experiencing while reading this are totally understandable.

(Maybe let's pause for a moment, and give ourselves a little loving empathy... It makes sense for some unpleasant emotion to come up here. Almost all of us feel some discomfort and/or discomfiture when looking at internal dynamics like these.)


And, when you're ready to gently explore shifting this habit, please allow us to invite you to...
 

Notice

A great place to start is just to notice when you've tipped into the mode of "I'm easy! Whatever you want, I'm up for it." (Hypo-Appease), or "I can take that on! I'm on it!" (Hyper-Appease). Even if you don't stop yourself, noticing that your nervous system is cueing a Survival reaction is effective in initiating habit change. Interrupting autopilot reactions with awareness is the first and most crucial step in any brain rewiring.
 

Have compassion

We came by this neural habit of Appease honestly. We needed Survival Mode to survive our experience. So we implore you to be gentle with yourself. 

I (Natalie) notice that my inclination to make the family dinner every single night originates from my Survival Hyper-Arousal Appease reaction. If I am the one making dinner then I am not put in the vulnerable, "victim-y" position of just accepting what someone else does or does not make for me. Being the point person for meals is my Survival System's attempt at combatting the anxiety that comes up for me. And yet, despite my awareness, and my ability to regulate out of Survival Mode – I keep this habit. 

The difference is, now I cook as a form of compassion for myself. What an easy way to meet my needs for safety, security, predictability, and control!

And I (Nathan) notice my inclinations to not have an opinion, and to turn decisions back to others, and to never be the one to go first (usually last) all originate in my historical Hypo-Arousal Appease adaptation. If I keep my focus out there on everyone else, then I'm not to blame (by them or me) if things go awry, I'm more assured of their continued positive appraisal and treatment of me, and however it plays out I have magnanimously signed up for it, so I can't be a "victim". If I don't have an opinion, I can't be "wrong", like I was when I was a kid. 

The difference for me now is that because I am aware of it, and I can regulate out of Survival Mode, I get to know what I like, and want, and need. I get to ask for it and act on it, while still maintaining belonging with myself and my people. And instead of seeing that as weakness, or neediness, or victimhood, I now know it is self-compassionate power.


You can develop a similar level of awareness and compassion around your Survival habits, <<First Name>>. Some of them you may want to actively retire. Others you may want to simply reframe and reclaim.


If you want to accelerate your ability to notice and shift Survival habits, Emotional Sovereignty School is designed specifically for that. We'd be honoured to team up with you. 


And in the meantime, keep up that gentle noticing and tender self-compassion.


We're rooting for you.

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

🔍How to Spot Someone with High Emotional Intelligence

We hope this finds you enjoying seasonal delights and your exact-right flavors of coziness, wherever you are!

Have you ever wondered...

• If you're emotionally intelligent? Or

• If your partner has a high EQ (measure of emotional intelligence), or low EQ? Or

• How you can even tell anything about someone's emotional intelligence?

Well, we've got you covered! Here are the top five signs of high emotional intelligence (and Emotional Sovereignty):

1. Self-Awareness

• Understanding Emotions: Individuals with high EQ have a deeper understanding of their own emotions. They know what they feel, when they're feeling it, and they recognize how their feelings affect their thoughts and behavior.

• Accurate Self-Assessment: Folks with high EQ more accurately assess their strengths and weaknesses, and tend to be more open to feedback for personal growth. 

2. Self-Regulation

• Emotional Prowess: High EQ people can work with their emotions effectively, and they have specific strategies to enact when upset arises.

• Adaptability: Excellent EQ means these individuals tend to be more adaptable to changing circumstances, and they remain flexible in the face of challenges, stress, overwhelm, etc., due to neuroemotional fluency.

3. Empathy

• Understanding Others' Emotions: People with high EQ can more accurately perceive and understand the emotions of others, demonstrating genuine concern and compassion, without feeling so much empathy that they themselves become dysregulated.

• Building Strong Relationships: Powerful empathy helps people with high EQ to build stronger, more trusting relationships by being able to demonstrate to others that they are seen, heard, understood, and valued.

4. Social Skills

• Effective Communication: High EQ people communicate more clearly and effectively, both verbally and non-verbally, which allows for more consistently positive interactions.

• Conflict Resolution: These folks tend to excel at managing and resolving conflicts in a constructive manner, maintaining harmony and connection in personal and professional relationships.

5. Motivation

• Intrinsic Motivation: Those with high EQ are inspired by internal factors such as personal growth, passion for their work, and a desire to achieve personal goals, instead of survival-based factors like staying out of trouble, pleasing others, avoiding shame, or ducking discord.

• Optimism and Resilience: High EQ people can return to a positive outlook by working with their neurochemistry and tend to be able to maintain higher levels of resilience.

So... What do you thinK?

How would you rate your EQ?

Would you like to increase it?


Emotional Sovereignty School starts August 1st! It's a chance for you and your partner (who gets to join with you for FREE!) to take advantage of an incredible curriculum that can dramatically increase your emotional intelligence and Emotional Sovereignty.
 

There is still room for you!

Course Objectives:

• Develop a deep understanding of emotional intelligence and its impact on personal and professional life.

• Learn numerous techniques to work with, manage, and regulate emotions in various situations.

• Explore methods for healing past emotional traumas and integrating those experiences into a healthier self.

• Understand the neuroscience behind emotional responses and how to rewire the brain for more positive emotional patterns.

• Cultivate practices for maintaining emotional balance and resilience in daily life.

Ideal Audience: This course is perfect for highly successful people experiencing emotional overwhelm, anxiety, and/or depression despite their achievements. It is also beneficial for new entrepreneurs looking to expand their reach while managing challenges related to nervous system activation, overwhelm, and procrastination.

Course Content:

1. Introduction to Emotional Sovereignty

   • Definition and importance of Emotional Sovereignty

   • Overview of the course structure and objectives

2. Emotional Intelligence Fundamentals

   • Understanding emotions and their role in human behavior

   • Techniques for enhancing emotional awareness and empathy

3. Managing and Regulating Emotions

   • Strategies for effective emotional regulation

   • Tools for managing stress and reducing emotional overwhelm

4. Healing Past Emotional Wounds

   • Methods for identifying and addressing past traumas

   • Integrating deep healing practices into daily life

5. Neuroscience of Emotions

   • Exploring the brain’s role in emotional responses

   • Techniques for rewiring the brain for more positive emotional patterns

6. Practical Applications

   • Implementing Emotional Sovereignty in professional settings

   • Building and maintaining emotionally healthy relationships

7. Sustaining Emotional Balance

   • Practices for long-term emotional health and resilience

   • Methods for creating more emotional capacity

Learning Methods:

• Interactive online modules

• Live virtual sessions with instructors

• Practical exercises and assignments

• Peer support and discussion forums

• Access to a library of resources and tools

Outcome: By the end of your participation in Emotional Sovereignty School, you will have developed greater emotional intelligence, and collected an array of skills to work effectively with emotion, integrate past wounds, and cultivate better mental health. You'll have the tools to increase your career wins while also finding more personal happiness and emotional stability.

Interested? 
You can find out more and enroll using that pretty little button down below.

No matter where your EQ currently rests, life gets better with more. So even if you don't join us for Emotional Sovereignty School, we hope you keep up with the tips and info we send you every week.

Keep going!


With love,
Natalie and Nathan


P.S. There is grant money to fund this training! 
(You can click the highlighted word "grant money" to apply in your home state)

3 Ways to Win the Emotion Commotion

How're you on this fine day?

Remember how we learned all about acid rain in elementary school – which for most of us was super upsetting! And then, very unfortunately, we were not taught what to do with our upset feelings?!

Do you remember that? (Or your version of it?)

We do! And, it wasn't that cool... (In fact, it's part of a long chain of similar events that led us all the way to creating the Center for Emotional Education!)

So today, we're sharing 3 ways that you can have an easier time with uncomfortable emotion.

#1: Feel Before You Act

The secret of emotionally successful people isn't that they never feel uncomfortable emotions – like anxiety, overwhelm, anger, shame, or jealousy – it's that they know how to feel before they act.

Emotionally unsuccessful people try to behave their way around these emotions. Either by compartmentalizing them and planning to deal with them later, or by trying to take some action in an attempt to get rid of the feelings. But it’s like trying to focus on other things while a pile of worms squirm on your head, or trying to organize your life in such a way that you never have to encounter worms (never mind that a pile of worms are already squirming on your head!).

It just doesn't work!

In Emotional Sovereignty School, our students go through the process of learning what their common emotions are and how to process them before acting and instead of getting derailed in the labor-intensive, ineffectual work of trying to get away from, or around, emotion.

We learn how to feel and deal with emotion instead of the worst-case scenario of wasting hours, or days, or years of our lives trying to eliminate uncomfortable emotion and only getting further entrenched.

There’s room for you in this class! :)

#2: Set SMART goals

Another way to set yourself up for greater emotional success?

SMART goals, originally created for business management teams, in 1981 by George T Doran.

Instead of setting vague goals, like, “I want to overcome anxiety” or “I want to feel better,” create SMART goals, ones that are:
Specific – referring to a discreet and minimal process involving observable action
Measurable – you (and any other involved parties) will know when it is done
Attainable – you (and your team) can make it happen
Resonant – it matters to you to do it
Time-oriented – it is attached to a timeline and the sooner the better

A SMART version of “I want to overcome anxiety” would be “For the next month, I’m going to spend five minutes five times per day doing the Survival Support strategies I have learned.”

A SMART version of “I want to feel better” would be “I’ll use my feelings list three times per day, and do one workout from this YouTube workout list, every day for 2 months.”

In Emotional Sovereignty School we share bite-sized strategies that are both SMART and fold easily into your existing life.
 

#3: Find community

You know the power of togetherness, companionship, and shared experience is potent. When we do things like: seek counsel from a close friend, talk about cats with our neighbors, or team up with community members to raise money for a cause – we are enjoying social influence and communal connection.

Our decisions and actions are deeply swayed by those around us. Pursuing your dreams – including the dream of emotional wellbeing! – within a supportive group brings encouragement, enthusiasm, and camaraderie that inspire us to strive even more than we might alone. 

Plus, becoming part of a group gives just the right amount of incentive to keep showing up for ourselves and our loved ones. And if it's difficult to dive into unknown realms (like the world of emotion) on our own, community can offer exactly the inspiration and the fortitude we need.

Emotional Sovereignty School gathers like-minded folks from around the world to form a beautiful, authentic, and kind community. Plus, we make sure to gently facilitate low stakes personal connection as well!

We've heard that folks make more progress with their emotional wellbeing in just a few weeks of Emotional Sovereignty School than most people make in years of struggling on their own.
 

If you want to find emotional success by joining us, we'd love that!

Just click that beautiful button below to save your spot.

And if not, we love that you have that clarity! And, we do suggest that even if it's not with us, that you find a different way to feel before you act, set SMART emotional goals, and find community to walk with you along the way, because you deserve it! We all do.

We're cheering you on as always!


With love,
Natalie and Nathan

Who's Turn Is It Anyway?!

What's new in your neighborhood?

Here's the scoop from ours...

The other night I (Natalie), was outside with a neighbor for a little chat, when a man came walking along with his giant, longhaired Akita dog. The dog stopped and started whimpering in the direction of the neighbor's cat who was within the fence with it's back arched and a deadly facial expression.

Our neighbor said, "He's really brave." – meaning her cat was brave.

The man said, "Yeah! He really is!" – meaning his dog was brave.

As the neutral party in this equation I realized that each of these people was viewing the situation from their specific viewpoint, immersed in their own world of feelings and perspective. 

My neighbor wanted to talk about her cat.

The man wanted to talk about his dog.
 

Who's turn is it?

For reasons I'll define in a minute, I went with the man.

With just a little nudge of curiosity he told us about the dog's toenail (It ripped! It was so bloody!), the night shift he has been on, the two cones the dog had to wear, and how finally the toe is healing. Phew!  

The man's story about the dog was really a story about his current experience, and all the feelings he has about that. After some empathy and commiseration he fairly quickly wrapped up and set forth with a spring in his step.

Then it was the neighbor's turn.

We went back to how brave her cat is, which opened a conversational portal into several meaningful topics that were on her mind. In just a few minutes she shared bits that called for celebration and other bits that called for acknowledgment of grief and relief. 

This scenario perfectly depicts a common dynamic: individuals living their separate experiences, constantly seeking connection through complaints or narratives.
 

But when faced with multiple people having feelings and reaching for the mic at the same time it can be hard to determine, who's turn is it?

And things get even trickier when we are one of the people reaching for the mic!

People with high Emotional Intelligence (EQ) have an easier time making this determination, yet another reason for Emotional Sovereignty School!

(There's still room for you in this year's class &lt;&lt;First Name>>)

And, here's some handy guides we recommend for how to determine the order of turns:
 

1. The youngest.

When in doubt, we give the youngest the first turn. They haven't yet developed the capacity to wait a long time while someone else works through their upset, and furthermore, their upsets tend to be powerful but short. With some good listening and a burst of empathy the youngest folks tend to work through their feelings pretty quickly.
 

2. The most upset.

If someone is upset enough to be operating from Survival Mode, they aren't going to be able to help you or anyone else in the room with their feelings. After these folks get a turn, they are more able to take on the role of listening and empathizing.
 

3. The less-frequent companion.

If our oldest daughter is home for the weekend we'll give her all the first turns, knowing that the rest of us are consistently around one another and have chances for lots of turns. (If we still had a four year-old, that would change the order of turns at certain moments.)
 

4. The main character.

If the subject around which folks are upset "belongs" more to one person, then that person gets the first turn. For instance, if your friend's ex-husband was arrested, it's your friend's turn, even if you too have lots of feelings about the situation, or about jail, or about ex-husbands.
(Keep in mind that you may need to wait a whole day, or week, or month, before you get to have a turn having feelings with their subject.)
 

"But what if I never get a turn?"

Ideally all of our relationships would be full to the brim with mutuality and we'd all get plenty of turns telling our stories and getting support. But if we find we simply need more turns than we're getting, we can:

1. Redesign our current relationships for greater mutuality.

2. Give ourselves exquisite structured turns so that there is less pressure on others.

3. Add new people to our lives that are great at giving and getting turns.

Developing Emotional Sovereignty means knowing how to do all 3 of these things. We can teach you how!

In any case, the next time you find yourself sandwiched between a cat-lover and a dog-lover and don't know who to tend to first, you've got this handy list!

We hope it helps you as much as it's helped us.


Sending you so much love,
Natalie and Nathan

Empowering Solutions: Untangling Upsets

(Natalie here)

I am picturing you in a moment of rest and repose as you read this letter! I hope that's true.

Recently my dad, who isn't a huge communicator, and additionally very new to texting, has been sending me messages about missing me. These are some of the most endearing notes I've ever received. Each one is a variation of "I just miss you. Love Dad."

And I, in turn, have feelings about these messages. 

Love
Delight
Humor
Sadness
Longing
Fear (of losing him)

It's a complicated mix. My emotional response to these messages mirrors my emotional experience of this precious and complicated relationship. And thus, a simple text of just a few words lands for me as an upset.

Have you ever experienced this before?

Which brings us to the subject of this letter...
I think I'm not the only one who wants "Empowering Solutions to Untangle Upset, am I?

Solution #1

Digest the feelings.

This solution involves asking ourselves, "Within and around the upset, what are the feelings involved?". My feelings are listed above. What are yours? (You can use this handy-dandy feelings list!)

We want to Notice the feelings Name them out loud to ourselves, and then get better in Touch with these feelings, before we do anything else. ("Notice, Name, Touch" is a nemonic reminder we created for the how-to of emotion.)

One concrete way to get in touch with a feeling is to give it an interview!
When does this feeling come up?
What kinds of thoughts does it "hang out" with?
What is it's favorite venue? (Morning in the kitchen? Nighttime in bed?)
Who else does it travel with? (What feelings clump around this original feeling?)
What are some of the phrases that come along with this feeling?

Once you've exhausted your questions and taken note of the answers, it can be helpful to be still for a bit, just letting some time pass by.
 

Solution #2

Meet the needs.

After we have given the feelings plenty of time and connection, we can turn to the second solution. This solution involves asking ourselves "Within and around this upset, what are some needs I have?" 

For me personally, around this upset I'm describing, I notice needs like:
Connection
Time
Being Known
Being Seen
Communion
Grace
Presence

What are some of yours?
(You can use this handy dandy needs list!)

Once we know what these needs are, then we look for easy ways we can meet some of these needs for our self. For instance, if we have a need for time, an easy way to meet that is to eliminate a couple non-urgent tasks from the to-do list, or use the timer feature on Instagram or Facebook (and then honor the time limit!). If we have a need for connection, we can FaceTime a friendly face and chat for five minutes, etc..

In my real-life scenario and as you can probably imagine, I've spent lots of time with my feelings – both alone and with support (thank you Nathan) – which also met some of my need for connection. I spent enough time with my feelings that my sense of urgency to "solve the problem" died away, and I was able to tune into my other needs. I'm not able to honor the time limit on Instagram, so I got rid of the app, as a way of meeting my need for time! On the weekend, I purposely left my laptop alone and read a book on the couch – to honor my needs for grace and presence. 

And... from this more grounded, secure state, Nathan and I teamed up to create room in my calendar to go and visit my dad for a few days. An obvious "answer" you might think, for this kind of upset, but if I hadn't done Solutions 1 and 2 before booking this trip, I would be looking for the trip to be magical, and to "solve" all the feelings I've ever had about this person. And we all know that no trip can accomplish that! 

Doing Solutions 1 and 2 means that this trip is just an added boon, not something that MUST HAPPEN OR ELSE!!!
 

Want to give these solutions a try? Let us know how it goes!

And if you need support...

This kind of thing is perfect to explore in Dear EQ, What Do I Do? – our version of Dear Abby, where we look at various dilemmas through the lens of Emotional Intelligence!

As a matter of fact, this month's Dear EQ is being pushed back a week because someone – we won't name any names! – is taking a previously unplanned trip to see their dad, so you have a whole 'nother week to sign up and get your upset ready for discussion.

You can join us here!

(It's just $13 USD)


Much love,
Natalie (and Nathan)

No Cupcakes but Plenty of Love. An Emotional Support Technique and Tool

Have you ever had a child bombard you with a series of unreasonable requests? Or, if you don't have kids, have you seen this happen for others?

"Can I have a cupcake before dinner???” 

“Can I have a sleepover even though it’s a school night?”

“Can we watch TWO movies tonight instead of just one?”

“Can I have more ice cream?” 

Did you know that when your child keeps making ridiculous or repetitive requests it’s a solid sign that they are trying to get help with an emotion?
 

Yep. An emotion.

It’s not as if they plan it out. It’s entirely subconscious, but they are looking for something to bump up against. 

In these cases, when we say “No”, they have an opportunity to feel anger or sadness, to cry or yell. They already have the feelings, and those feelings are so uncomfortable that they are driven to find a place to let them out. 

When we hold a firm boundary, we give them something to work against, to thrash against, and a reason to pour out some of their emotion. 

When we shame them for asking, the emotion stays and simmers, building in strength. When we put them off by being vague or postponing the answer, we also stall the possibility for emotional release.

Sometimes, kindly and firmly saying “No”, and being a safe place for all the emotion that ensues is the most loving and compassionate act. Sometimes saying “No” helps meet a child’s need for emotional release.

So here's wishing you empowerment in your "No" and the strength and compassion it takes to help process the tough feelings! 💛
 

If you're looking for other ways to support kids in their feelings, you may want to check out our matching game! It's an easy way to help children explore and express their emotions.

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

Are You Making THIS Self-Sabotaging Mistake?

We hope you're having a yummy week!


Have you ever consciously thought about how some words invite people to connect with us, and other words invite people to move away from us, or even against us?

It seems obvious on one level. "I love you" certainly feels better than "I hate you".

But it becomes less obvious, and even downright confounding when we, for example, use the "wrong" words to talk about our feelings.

Even though we might not think of it this way – for most of us, feelings are something that we want to share. We have that drive in order to get connection and also to get some help addressing the issue around which the feelings are coming up. Yet, often, even if we head into a constructive conversation with the best intentions, things get heated and defensive and argumentative pretty quickly.

This sort of exchange can have us wondering if it's even worth it to try and communicate. If it always goes poorly, then what's the point? 

But really, the truth is, we've all been done a great disservice.

Because emotional learning has not been as highly valued as reading, writing, and arithmetic – even in our long educational tenure most of us were not taught how emotion works, or how to work with it. So we're left to glean our knowledge from Hollywood, social media, and our parents, where we're taught words for feelings that are not actually feelings. These words tend to cause trouble instead of building connection.

Here are some narrative words that get treated as feelings but are not feelings words:

• Ignored, Neglected, Left Out

• Betrayed, Disrespected, Done Wrong

• Invisible, Unheard, Misunderstood

• Coerced, Manipulated, Controlled

• Blamed, Maligned, Made the bad guy

These words may absolutely describe valid experiences. But when we use them to try and get empathy and cooperation, we‘re usually met with defensiveness, excuses, and/or confusion instead.


Here's a classic unsuccessful dialogue:

• Person 1: "I feel totally neglected when you do that."

• Person 2: "What? What are you even talking about? I don't neglect you. I spent all day with you today." (Gets further away.)

If we want to have a meaningful conversation, and have a chance at connection, we want to find the feelings embedded in the narrative words.

For example – when we have the experience of being ignored, we may feel sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, and/or other feelings.

When we have the experience of not receiving respect, we may feel resentment, confusion, exasperation, and/or other feelings.
yah

 

Narrative words:

are more likely to activate the Survival System in the person we're sharing with – resulting in reactions like Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease.
 

Feelings words:

usually resonate in the Emotional System in the person we're sharing with – allowing for empathy, connection, and compassion.


A Dialogue that is More Likely to Succeed:

• Person 1: "When I have the experience of someone not answering me when I call their name, I feel a lot of sadness and loneliness."

• Person 2: "Oh darn. That makes sense. Did that just happen?" (Comes closer.)

What other narrative words can you think of, that often get employed as feelings? 

Would you like to play around with your word choice and see what happens? Let us know how it goes!

We do group coaching to workshop dialogues like this in our upcoming Better at Boundaries Masterclass. If that sounds like something you could use (empathy and guidance in how to ace boundaries dialogues with your people), we'd love for you to join us!

A quick tap on that lovely blue button below will take you to all the details.


We're cheering for you!

Love,
Natalie and Nathan
 

Click Here to Find out More

Participating in the Better at Boundaries Masterclass offered by the The Center for Emotional Education has been a deeply empowering experience. The insight, which Natalie and Nathan offer in this course, comes in an incredibly well structured and highly engaging form. It is at once accessible and complex.

I was able to integrate that which we worked with during the course into my own life immediately. 
- Hanna

What Does Emotionally Sovereign Dating Look Like?

How's it going in your neck of the woods?
(BTW, what the heck is a "neck" in the context of "the woods"?)

We just got this question in our in-box and thought it would be fun and informative to share our answer with you...

Dear EQ,

I’m dating, and finding that I’m having a lot of great conversations with a lot of different people. But, I wait until my dates say or do something I don’t like, and that tells me where to look for the cracks as I develop my list of things that aren’t going to work for me. No wonder it stops being fun after two or three dates.

I’d like to learn to be more constructive from the start, and to really know what I’m looking for instead of just waiting for that point at which a person starts to get on my nerves.

What does neuroemotionally informed dating look like? 

Signed,
Out There Again and Wanting to Get it Right
 

What a fantastic question!

We're answering this question in depth in this week's meetup of Dear EQ, What Do I Do?, (which we are now offering for only $13 per month!), but we thought we'd share the first part of our answer here for all to enjoy! 
 

Answer Part 1: Brain States may be at play!

Let's face it, for many of us, going on a date to meet someone new can be a bit stressful. Stress, especially social stress, when we don't know how to deal with it or don't remember that we can support ourselves around it, can send us straight into Survival Mode.
 

If we could peer inside the brain in a moment like this...

We'd see two worm-like things with an almond shape at the end. These "almonds" are our amygdalae. One of their jobs is be on the lookout for danger, and when they sense it, neurotransmitters cue our kidneys to secrete cortisol and adrenaline. As soon as these chemicals enter our bloodstream, our heart rate speeds up, our blood starts to get diverted in case we need to run or fight, and our whole system is now prepared to identify threat and defend against it.
 

For those of us who didn't get enough support around social interactions in our past, this chain reaction can happen on a date!

Although our intention is to meet someone new and have a good time, if our nervous system is on an entirely different neurochemical page where each potential flaw in our date is read as potential danger, then any further flaws are read as confirmation of danger! Before we know it, on auto-pilot, we've ruled this person out completely. Later, when we make the Executive decision to no longer see them, we're just rationalizing what our Survival System already decided.
 

In moments like these, our amygdalae are inadvertently protecting us from the "danger" of being vulnerable and intimate, even if we actually want to be vulnerable and intimate!

If we suspect that our Survival System is doing our dating for us, we can interrupt this habit with simple nervous system regulation techniques, like a Regulating Breath. (This is when we do a quickish, full inhale, and then a long, slow, complete exhale.)

If we can keep up this breath for several rounds and then return to it periodically during our date, we may find that we either find fewer faults in our partner, and/or we are able to relax, enjoy the parts we like, and trust ourselves that, down the road, if there truly isn't compatibility, we'll take good care of ourselves. 

We hope this gets you started on your Emotionally Sovereign dating journey!
 

If you're interested in hearing Part 2 of our answer, join us for this week's Dear EQ, What Do I Do?!

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

 

Try out Dear EQ, What Do I Do?

(Now at the new, amazing rate of just $13 US!)

Do THIS to Set Boundaries that Actually Work

How are things going in your world? (We're not asking as a rhetorical device, feel free to let us know! And also...)

Want to hear a billion dollar product idea?

A divorced co-parents app that automates some kind of punishment when the other parent fails to follow through on an agreement they made. They suddenly change the holiday schedule with no warning? An automatic, meaningful deduction is extracted from their bank account.

The market for this product is all the parents that have tried to construct logical, compassionate, legal parenting plans, and still their ex-spouse fails to follow the agreements, and routinely ignores structures and boundaries. Billion dollar idea, right?!

(Let us know when you've got that app built and we'll help spread the word! ;) )

In a recent coaching session, a parent in this exact situation was exasperated by the fact that even when she has very clear boundaries with her co-parent, he conveniently forgets them, or simply steps right over them.

Have you ever experienced this with boundaries?

It can seem so fraught...  

Perhaps we communicate a boundary around late-night messaging or calling. Then sure enough, sometimes even the very next day, the person rings us up at 11:30pm. It can bring up irritation and anger and resentment!

Or, maybe we're very clear about how we want to be spoken to. Our wishes are respected for a couple conversations, but then lo and behold, the next time things get heated, here come the inappropriate words and harsh tone. So much frustration and indignation and humiliation can come up!

Our culture encourages us, admonishes us, to set boundaries for how we want to be treated, but then "real-life" comes sauntering along and trounces our attempts.

Want to know why our boundaries may be ignored?
 

Boundaries are structures that work when we set them for ourselves, not for other people.

When we set boundaries for other people, like:

• You can't call after 9pm

• You can't talk to me that way

• You can't come into my house when you drop off our child

...we have no way of ensuring that they are considered and respected. We are dependent upon the other person to:

1. Remember our boundaries. 

2. Care about our boundaries. And then

3. Put our boundaries before their own impulses. 

(All of which is particularly tricky because generally we are only trying to enforce our boundaries with people who already do not care enough about our needs to make them a high priority in their life!)

When we flip these boundaries around, and set them for ourselves, like:

• I turn off my phone after 9pm

• I kindly but firmly pause conversations if the tone or words are outside my comfort and capacity

• I do child transfers in public places

...then we are in charge of whether or not they are remembered and respected and no longer have to wait and hope that the other person does. 

It's a mystery to us as to why this kind of boundary-making isn't the norm! 

These kinds of boundaries have worked so well for us over the years that we built a whole masterclass about it, the Better at Boundaries Masterclass. This is a weekend workshop where you can build your own boundaries around issues and topics of your choice. (Click the button below for more info!)

Having a clear sense of what our boundaries are, and for ourselves, is such a beautiful form of self-love. We can head into any situation or any relationship with confidence because we already know how we will nurture and take excellent care of ourselves.

What kinds of boundaries have you been tinkering with? We'd love to hear about them and cheer you on!


Much love to you, friend,
Natalie and Nathan

 

Learn More About Better at Boundaries Masterclass

How to Stop Yelling AT, and Start Yelling Feelings

We're sending you this letter today in the hopes that something is feeling good for you – even if, at the moment, it's just your powerful ability to be with yourself in what's not feeling good!

A really common thing that doesn't feel good is when we yell at someone we love.

Often we don't even see it coming. Before we know it, words we wouldn't ordinarily choose are flying out of our mouths at top-speed and top-volume. In the moment it feels absolutely unstoppable, and later it feels absolutely unacceptable.
 

Have you experienced this, too? So many of us have...

It used to happen for us, far more than we liked, but... we found a way to use our Emotional Sovereignty tools to break the habit of yelling at our kids, and at one another, and we want to share our Hot Tip with you!
 

Our hot tip for breaking the yelling habit? 

Stop Yelling AT, and Start Yelling Feelings

You see, there is something very real happening behind the scenes when we yell at someone we love – we are reaching a neuroemotional tipping point!

When we yell we are either:

• experiencing an acute, momentary overload of emotional discomfort

or

• experiencing milder emotional discomfort that has been allowed to accumulate over time, and has now reached a critical mass

When this happens our Emotional System determines that conditions are no longer safe and our processing shifts to the Survival System. Whenever we process from here, the only possible reactions are:
Fight
Flight
Freeze
Appease

And you guessed it! When we have the sense that we're unable to stop ourselves from yelling at someone we love, we're likely operating from Survival Fight. In this state, we do not have access to enough restraint, logic, compassion, or any of the values that guide us to take more benevolent actions.
 

So what do we do?

We take that Survival Fight drive to yell at someone, and we replace it with the emotionally supportive (and Emotionally Sovereign) tactic of yelling feelings instead.

Instead of yelling at them:

WHY THE HECK DID YOU JUST DO THAT?!?!? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

Try just yelling:

I FEEL A LOT OF FRUSTRATION AND CONFUSION RIGHT NOW!
(And then sigh...)

Instead of yelling at them:
GO TO YOUR ROOM! I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

Try just yelling:
I FEEL SO MUCH ANGER RIGHT NOW! I'M HAVING A HARD TIME THINKING OF WHAT TO SAY.
(And then sigh...)


Naming feelings (even yelling feelings!) works to reduce emotional intensity and get the ball rolling on feeling better. Often it isn't yet neurochemically available to us to stop the yelling habit. The drive to yell is survival-based and urgent. But we can take that urge and yell something that:

• causes less harm to our relationships (if any at all)

• helps to reduce our emotional load and invite a neurochemical shift

• builds Emotional Sovereignty

Over time, if we keep up this practice, our loved ones will come to appreciate this kind of yelling. Though our words may come at a high volume, they also come with less of a sense of attack (which usually invites a counterattack!) and tend to decrease the emotional pressure within the family system as a whole. When we yell like this, our loved ones start to understand that a beneficial turning point in the conflict has been reached.
 

If we really keep this up, the whole family will yell feelings instead of yelling at each other!

Soon, instead of:

MOM! WHY DID YOU GET RID OF THE THING I WAS USING!?

You may hear:
MOM! I FEEL PANIC! I CAN'T FIND MY THING!

See how much better that feels?

 

Just one little caveat when using this strategy...

In order to get the full neuroemotional benefit, and in order to actually reduce tension and conflict, t's crucial that we use nouns when we name our feelings instead of adjectives.


Instead of, I feel:
Frustrated
Irritated
Annoyed
Exasperated

Try, I feel:
Frustration
Irritation
Annoyance
Exasperation

In this context, nouns invite a shift in neurochemistry and empathy, whereas adjectives tend to invite defensiveness and disconnection. 

Our full feelings list can be found here.


Try yelling feelings, and then give us a shout to let us know how it is for you!


Here's to wishing you better feeling yells, from our family to yours.

Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

 

ps. If you want more tips and tricks for handling conflict... 
 

You may want to check out our upcoming Better at Boundaries Masterclass happening May 4th and 5th!

Learn More About Better at Boundaries Masterclass

How We Vacation So That We Don't Need A Vacation After Our Vacation

Felicitations!

We hope your Spring is unfolding just right for you. We have some green coming back into our landscape! What changes are you enjoying in your season?

We're feeling major thankfulness for the green to ease our transition back from the tropical climes of Mexico to the northern latitudes of Montana!

Our family trip was phenomenal. Which doesn't mean we felt only bliss – no way! But we did set ourselves up for serious success by meeting our needs as much as possible in the lead up and each day. And, we did make time to process feelings every day, so we had room to follow our bliss, and so that even when things were uncomfy, we could draw comfort from emotional support.

Want some examples of this kind of vacationing?
You betcha!
 

Money Planning

Needs met: Predictability, Ease, Reassurance, Security, Safety, Fun, and more.

One of the coolest things we did was set aside money, every month, so that by the time our feet hit the ground in Mexico the whole trip (including spending money while we were there) was already paid for. This meant that we pulled out enough pesos for the week as soon as we arrived, and never gave money a second thought. What a fun relief!

With our wad of pesos we slipped into a taxi that took us to a tiny beach. From there we walked down a rickety, twisty, missing-planks "pier" and got into a tiny boat that was co-captained by a 10-year old.

Off we went for 30 minutes, over 6-foot waves.

Nearly drenched and smiling with wonder we arrived at a tiny, remote village. 

Info Gathering and Sharing

Needs met: Information, Communication, Connection, Knowing, Learning, Faith, and more.

We read so much before we left! We watched Youtube videos about navigating "The Shark Tank" – the corridor of aggressive timeshare salespeople that you must pass through on your way out of the Puerto Vallarta airport. We scoured the welcome emails our host sent us. We read blog posts from 2012! And we passed all of this information on to our kids so that they were prepared and knew what to expect each step of the way.

We were also lucky that our friends arrived one day before us and relayed even more details. Heaven!

From the pier we walked up through the narrow streets of the pueblo (barely wide enough for a burro or an atv – zero cars!), winding past tiny shops, and restaurants, petting dogs, saying hi to cats, and out into the jungle, where we climbed 117, or 159 steps (depending on which kid you ask) until we got to "our place".

Help

Needs met: Support, Pleasure, Food, Pacing, Ease, Comfort, and more.

When our host asked if we wanted to pay a little more to have the fridge stocked before our arrival, we said, Yes!

When he also asked if we wanted dinner delivered on our first night, we also said, Yes! 

The fridge and pantry had coffee, sugar, butter, eggs, cheese, fruit, milk, bread, juice, granola, guacamole, ceviche, banana pie, banana bread, cookies, and local chocolate. :)

That first night we lounged in hammocks with cats (ok, we did this every day, but it was especially delicious that first evening). Our friends came over, we ate local quesadillas and burritos, and we laughed until it was pitch-black, jungle dark.

Pace

Needs met: Freedom, Discovery, Grace, Agency, Autonomy, Healing, Time, and more.

We had one plan for the week – ride horses to the waterfall. Other than that, we were open to simply being in that location. We sat on a stone wall in town, swang in a hammock looking at a tree, dug in the sand, petted the town dogs, talked to a neighbor – just living.

Simplicity

Needs met: Rest, Appreciation, Authenticity, Beauty, Celebration, Enjoyment, Flexibility, Peace, and more.

The nature of this trip meant we only brought a backpack each. (Good thing, because we would have missed our connection after Customs if we hadn't been able to grab our carry-on and run!) We noted the lack of variety in our outfit options, but it felt amazing and adventurous to keep it simple.

The palapa where we stayed had basically no walls. No walls! The roosters started crowing at 5am, then the marine and tropical jungle birds kicked in at dawn, and then a group of giant brown pheasants that like to wrestle(?) and make a metallic screech, descended on the mango tree at around 7am. We didn't love every sound, but we loved being a part of it – right in the midst of the living world.

And with no plans and a slow pace it meant that we were still. We researched the loud birds, we read our books, we sipped our beverages, but a lot of the time we just sat and looked at the view.

Connection

Needs met: Empathy, Trust, Understanding, Support, Self-expression, Connection, Honesty, and more.

It's important to note, that within and between each of these scenic shots, were feelings! 

At literally every turn, we were making space to co-process, both, our blissful and uncomfortable emotions.

Tears, hugs, empathy, and connection were needed around things like:

• Mosquito bites

• Blisters

• The pace of someone else

• The desire to not sit in a restaurant

• The desire to sit in a restaurant

• Beach chairs

• Routes

• A tarantula

• A scorpion

• Not being allowed to flush toilet paper (anywhere in the village!)

• Having to leave

• Missing people

• Our friends departing

• Smoky nachos

• How much we liked it there

• Colonialism

• Capitalism

• Racism

• Tadpoles

• Coatimundi

• Belonging

• Leaving

Trust

Needs met: Fun, Adventure, Play, Exploration, Novelty, Shared Experience, and more.

Upon our return we thanked our kids for being so "game" for this adventure, and they said, "We really trust you to take good care of us, so it was easy to just go for it.".

Gosh, that was wonderful to hear.

We're already pretty convinced, but it all seemed to underscore that when:

• our needs are met

• we get support around our feelings when our needs are not met

it's like having a passport to anywhere in the world. We have natural confidence, boldness, curiosity, adventurousness, and willingness to explore when we can trust that we will be taken care of, and/or trust that we will take good care of ourselves.

The simplicity of that is pretty compelling for us...



Thanks for coming along for this vacation recap! 

We love having the opportunity to share with you because it gives us a good chance to reflect and note for ourselves what works for us and what doesn't! And we hope to offer you some inspiration, too!
 

We'd love to know, which needs stood out as important to you?

And,
 

What kind of adventure would you be capable of, and interested in, if your needs were met?

Much Love,
Natalie and Nathan

You May be New to the Center for Emotional Education

Here's what's coming up next:

Community Release Ritual
Monthly Opportunity to get help Expressing Emotion
___________________________________________________

Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Emotionally Intelligent Ideas for Life's Challenges
Monthly Support
___________________________________________________

Complimentary "Feel Better Already" Strategy Session

Am I Doing It Wrong?

We hope your day is cruising along smoothly, and that you're getting a chance to take a breather now and again.

Recently we've been noticing how something as simple as getting an answer to a question can act like a mini-breather. It's so supportive to get an answer to a question!

One of us (we won't say who...) recently texted our family group text to ask this:
 

Guys, what does the green swan emoji mean?

And our kids had mountains of fun – sending a million LMAOs and crying-laughing emojis. Because, as it turns out, there isn't a green swan emoji, there is a SNAKE emoji. And explaining, to a very-clueless parent, what it means and when to use it, was also extremely hilarious.

But the point is, one of us (we won't say who) had a question that was bothering them, and got an extremely useful answer!


So in that spirit, here are some top questions we receive, and our answers:
 

1. I’m doing Survival Support Strategies but I’m still crying and having a hard time. Am I doing it wrong?

When we use any Survival Support Strategy, like a Regulating Breath (quickish full inhales, and long, slow exhales), it often acts as a portal to feelings! We shift out of Survival Mode and into Emotional Mode. Sometimes, that shift is into feelings of relief, or gratitude, or peace; and other times the shift is into worry, remorse, or yearning, and the like...

It makes a lot of sense that through regulating we may end up with more feelings. Because we aren’t necessarily regulating to squash feelings or make them go away. We're using Survival Support Strategies to prove to the nervous system that we're safe. It's totally natural and part of the overall integration of our experiences to then go into expressing feelings, now that we are safe.

(Caveat: Sometimes all we have time for is regulation, but it’s important to circle back to feelings when we can.)
 

2. When my partner is having a big emotional discharge do I just keep calm? 

Short answer, yes, stay in regulation. (That way you don't mistakenly signal threat to your partner's nervous system...)
And, if you can, reach for empathy and curiosity as well. 
Empathy: "Oh shoot, that sounds hard." or "I get that." or "I totally hear you."
Curiosity: "Want to say more?" or "What's that part like?" or "What else?"
Then, repeat.

There's obviously a lot more we could say about this part, but that's a key place to start...
 

3. I try empathizing with my child but they just fight back and run away. Why is it not working? 

Likely your child was experiencing more Survival reactivity, than Emotional activity. (Even though it may have seemed like a pretty emotional display.) Empathy is a great tool for co-processing feelings, but not generally welcome to someone experiencing Survival reactivity. We call this ""not talking to the part of the brain that's driving".

This happens! (Even those of us who've been studying brain states for years, still misread certain people's signals or in certain moments... And when we people don't even know about it, it's just happening all over the place without being noticed for what it is.)

When it does happen, and we get an adverse reaction, we can just consider this as information, and switch gears by speaking to the part of the brain that is currently driving. In this case, you'd want to switch to using Survival Support Strategies for yourself, and this will impact the neurochemistry of your nearby child over a little bit of time.
 

4. What about empaths? We feel other people's stuff!

Yes, absolutely. Emotional Coherence is what we call it. It's real and it can be uncomfortable. We see it this way: Whether or not the feeling was originally ours, it’s in our body now. So it’s our responsibility to tend to it in our own body/nervous system. Luckily, this work is designed so that no matter where the emotion comes from, we can begin to have the capacity for it in our system.
 

5. What does it look and feel like to be Emotionally Sovereign?

We like to think of it as an ongoing journey of becoming Emotionally Sovereign rather than a place one arrives. So while there is no perfect endgame, many of us do get to enjoy more time IN Emotional Sovereignty than we used to.

We define it as: Knowing what to do when emotion arises so we don’t get sent into Survival Mode. We are sovereign in our ability to take care of our emotional selves. This can include knowing how to ask for support as well as knowing how to support ourselves. With the simple power of being able to work with our brain states – we're afforded the awesome superpower of being able to go anywhere, and do anything, and trust our self to get through it.

That's Emotional Sovereignty.


We hope these Qs and As help you out!

If you have questions that you'd like answered, or, you want the satisfaction of hearing other people get their questions answered, join us in our next meet up of Dear EQ, What Do I Do?. March 28 at 11am Pacific.


Much love,
Natalie and Nathan

Where's The Flip Flop?

Hello again from sometimes sunny again Southwestern Montana!

What's your week looking like?

This week is Spring Break for us and we're going on a trip.

Which, of course, means feelings. 

1. Our youngest is in her second-to-last year of high school. Next year she's likely going to want to spend her Spring Break with her friends and not with her parents. (They likely will pitch some kind of road trip that involves a sketchy car and some barely-thawed-to-suddenly-blizzarding mountain passes.) So this may be our last chance for the classic American Spring Break as a family.
Feelings coming up around this: nostalgia, sadness, worry, grief

2. Our trip involves: a 6am flight, two planes, currency exchange, taxi rides, a water ferry, and a long walk carrying backpacks – up.
Feelings: uncertainty, anxiety, excitement, dread, caution

3. Before we're even on the plane there is a full work week and several, dangling, important projects to complete. A daily workout would also be nice, as well as sit down dinners and some chill time. But a Costco trip is essential. A meeting with our house sitter needs to be squeezed in, too. And there's also all the stuff I'm leaving out and forgetting right now...
Feelings: overwhelm, exasperation, agitation, dread, exhaustion

4. You should also know, dear reader, that our floor needs a sweep and a vacuum. Returning from vacation to a cluttered, and actually dirty house, is a real buzzkill. So that's a thing. Is there space and time for cleaning before we go? Doesn't seem like it.
Feelings: bleh, disappointment, stress, dislike

5. Flip flops. Or water shoes, or sandals. You know what's going to happen, right? We'll make a herculean effort to complete a superhuman list of tasks and then, with hours to go before departure, somebody is going to say they don't have the other flip flop, or _________ (insert inconvenient item here).
Feelings: irritation, stress, pre-anxiety

6. An email just came in from our host. We can expect fresh fruit, fresh ceviche, warm weather, a view of the ocean, aaannnd two bonus cats that come with the airbnb.
Feelings: pleasure, gratitude, excitement

7. Our friends got a neighboring airbnb. We've known them over 20 years...They're looking forward to making palm frond hats. We'll eat food and sit on the beach together.
Feelings: delight, affection, enthusiasm, wonder

8. We've never taken a vacation like this. 
Feelings: Awe, gratitude, amazement

9. People don't have homes, others are being bombed... Some people have lost all their children. For many others the idea of a break, or a trip, or a chance to relax is not available to them.
Feelings: shame, guilt, distraction, self-consciousness
 

That's the thing about feelings. They are here. No matter what.

Isn't it astounding that such a wide range can simultaneously occur in any given moment??

What about you, friend?
 

What are the bullet points of your week? And what feelings do you notice?

(It's such a tender and potent service to ourselves to be still and present with what's true for us right now, and to make the opportunity to listen to our current narratives and name the emotions we feel coming up around them...)


Much love to you – as always,

Natalie and Nathan