We hope you're having a yummy week!
Have you ever consciously thought about how some words invite people to connect with us, and other words invite people to move away from us, or even against us?
It seems obvious on one level. "I love you" certainly feels better than "I hate you".
But it becomes less obvious, and even downright confounding when we, for example, use the "wrong" words to talk about our feelings.
Even though we might not think of it this way – for most of us, feelings are something that we want to share. We have that drive in order to get connection and also to get some help addressing the issue around which the feelings are coming up. Yet, often, even if we head into a constructive conversation with the best intentions, things get heated and defensive and argumentative pretty quickly.
This sort of exchange can have us wondering if it's even worth it to try and communicate. If it always goes poorly, then what's the point?
But really, the truth is, we've all been done a great disservice.
Because emotional learning has not been as highly valued as reading, writing, and arithmetic – even in our long educational tenure most of us were not taught how emotion works, or how to work with it. So we're left to glean our knowledge from Hollywood, social media, and our parents, where we're taught words for feelings that are not actually feelings. These words tend to cause trouble instead of building connection.
Here are some narrative words that get treated as feelings but are not feelings words:
Ignored, Neglected, Left Out
Betrayed, Disrespected, Done Wrong
Invisible, Unheard, Misunderstood
Coerced, Manipulated, Controlled
Blamed, Maligned, Made the bad guy
These words may absolutely describe valid experiences. But when we use them to try and get empathy and cooperation, we‘re usually met with defensiveness, excuses, and/or confusion instead.
Here's a classic unsuccessful dialogue:
Person 1: "I feel totally neglected when you do that."
Person 2: "What? What are you even talking about? I don't neglect you. I spent all day with you today." (Gets further away.)
If we want to have a meaningful conversation, and have a chance at connection, we want to find the feelings embedded in the narrative words.
For example – when we have the experience of being ignored, we may feel sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, and/or other feelings.
When we have the experience of not receiving respect, we may feel resentment, confusion, exasperation, and/or other feelings.
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Narrative words:
are more likely to activate the Survival System in the person we're sharing with – resulting in reactions like Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease.
Feelings words:
usually resonate in the Emotional System in the person we're sharing with – allowing for empathy, connection, and compassion.
A Dialogue that is More Likely to Succeed:
Person 1: "When I have the experience of someone not answering me when I call their name, I feel a lot of sadness and loneliness."
Person 2: "Oh darn. That makes sense. Did that just happen?" (Comes closer.)
What other narrative words can you think of, that often get employed as feelings?
Would you like to play around with your word choice and see what happens? Let us know how it goes!
We do group coaching to workshop dialogues like this in our upcoming Better at Boundaries Masterclass. If that sounds like something you could use (empathy and guidance in how to ace boundaries dialogues with your people), we'd love for you to join us!
A quick tap on that lovely blue button below will take you to all the details.
We're cheering for you!
Love,
Natalie and Nathan