What's new in your neighborhood?
Here's the scoop from ours...
The other night I (Natalie), was outside with a neighbor for a little chat, when a man came walking along with his giant, longhaired Akita dog. The dog stopped and started whimpering in the direction of the neighbor's cat who was within the fence with it's back arched and a deadly facial expression.
Our neighbor said, "He's really brave." – meaning her cat was brave.
The man said, "Yeah! He really is!" – meaning his dog was brave.
As the neutral party in this equation I realized that each of these people was viewing the situation from their specific viewpoint, immersed in their own world of feelings and perspective.
My neighbor wanted to talk about her cat.
The man wanted to talk about his dog.
Who's turn is it?
For reasons I'll define in a minute, I went with the man.
With just a little nudge of curiosity he told us about the dog's toenail (It ripped! It was so bloody!), the night shift he has been on, the two cones the dog had to wear, and how finally the toe is healing. Phew!
The man's story about the dog was really a story about his current experience, and all the feelings he has about that. After some empathy and commiseration he fairly quickly wrapped up and set forth with a spring in his step.
Then it was the neighbor's turn.
We went back to how brave her cat is, which opened a conversational portal into several meaningful topics that were on her mind. In just a few minutes she shared bits that called for celebration and other bits that called for acknowledgment of grief and relief.
This scenario perfectly depicts a common dynamic: individuals living their separate experiences, constantly seeking connection through complaints or narratives.
But when faced with multiple people having feelings and reaching for the mic at the same time it can be hard to determine, who's turn is it?
And things get even trickier when we are one of the people reaching for the mic!
People with high Emotional Intelligence (EQ) have an easier time making this determination, yet another reason for Emotional Sovereignty School!
(There's still room for you in this year's class <<First Name>>)
And, here's some handy guides we recommend for how to determine the order of turns:
1. The youngest.
When in doubt, we give the youngest the first turn. They haven't yet developed the capacity to wait a long time while someone else works through their upset, and furthermore, their upsets tend to be powerful but short. With some good listening and a burst of empathy the youngest folks tend to work through their feelings pretty quickly.
2. The most upset.
If someone is upset enough to be operating from Survival Mode, they aren't going to be able to help you or anyone else in the room with their feelings. After these folks get a turn, they are more able to take on the role of listening and empathizing.
3. The less-frequent companion.
If our oldest daughter is home for the weekend we'll give her all the first turns, knowing that the rest of us are consistently around one another and have chances for lots of turns. (If we still had a four year-old, that would change the order of turns at certain moments.)
4. The main character.
If the subject around which folks are upset "belongs" more to one person, then that person gets the first turn. For instance, if your friend's ex-husband was arrested, it's your friend's turn, even if you too have lots of feelings about the situation, or about jail, or about ex-husbands.
(Keep in mind that you may need to wait a whole day, or week, or month, before you get to have a turn having feelings with their subject.)
"But what if I never get a turn?"
Ideally all of our relationships would be full to the brim with mutuality and we'd all get plenty of turns telling our stories and getting support. But if we find we simply need more turns than we're getting, we can:
Redesign our current relationships for greater mutuality.
Give ourselves exquisite structured turns so that there is less pressure on others.
Add new people to our lives that are great at giving and getting turns.
Developing Emotional Sovereignty means knowing how to do all 3 of these things. We can teach you how!
In any case, the next time you find yourself sandwiched between a cat-lover and a dog-lover and don't know who to tend to first, you've got this handy list!
We hope it helps you as much as it's helped us.
Sending you so much love,
Natalie and Nathan