(Natalie here)
I am picturing you in a moment of rest and repose as you read this letter! I hope that's true.
Recently my dad, who isn't a huge communicator, and additionally very new to texting, has been sending me messages about missing me. These are some of the most endearing notes I've ever received. Each one is a variation of "I just miss you. Love Dad."
And I, in turn, have feelings about these messages.
Love
Delight
Humor
Sadness
Longing
Fear (of losing him)
It's a complicated mix. My emotional response to these messages mirrors my emotional experience of this precious and complicated relationship. And thus, a simple text of just a few words lands for me as an upset.
Have you ever experienced this before?
Which brings us to the subject of this letter...
I think I'm not the only one who wants "Empowering Solutions to Untangle Upset, am I?
Solution #1
Digest the feelings.
This solution involves asking ourselves, "Within and around the upset, what are the feelings involved?". My feelings are listed above. What are yours? (You can use this handy-dandy feelings list!)
We want to Notice the feelings Name them out loud to ourselves, and then get better in Touch with these feelings, before we do anything else. ("Notice, Name, Touch" is a nemonic reminder we created for the how-to of emotion.)
One concrete way to get in touch with a feeling is to give it an interview!
When does this feeling come up?
What kinds of thoughts does it "hang out" with?
What is it's favorite venue? (Morning in the kitchen? Nighttime in bed?)
Who else does it travel with? (What feelings clump around this original feeling?)
What are some of the phrases that come along with this feeling?
Once you've exhausted your questions and taken note of the answers, it can be helpful to be still for a bit, just letting some time pass by.
Solution #2
Meet the needs.
After we have given the feelings plenty of time and connection, we can turn to the second solution. This solution involves asking ourselves "Within and around this upset, what are some needs I have?"
For me personally, around this upset I'm describing, I notice needs like:
Connection
Time
Being Known
Being Seen
Communion
Grace
Presence
What are some of yours?
(You can use this handy dandy needs list!)
Once we know what these needs are, then we look for easy ways we can meet some of these needs for our self. For instance, if we have a need for time, an easy way to meet that is to eliminate a couple non-urgent tasks from the to-do list, or use the timer feature on Instagram or Facebook (and then honor the time limit!). If we have a need for connection, we can FaceTime a friendly face and chat for five minutes, etc..
In my real-life scenario and as you can probably imagine, I've spent lots of time with my feelings – both alone and with support (thank you Nathan) – which also met some of my need for connection. I spent enough time with my feelings that my sense of urgency to "solve the problem" died away, and I was able to tune into my other needs. I'm not able to honor the time limit on Instagram, so I got rid of the app, as a way of meeting my need for time! On the weekend, I purposely left my laptop alone and read a book on the couch – to honor my needs for grace and presence.
And... from this more grounded, secure state, Nathan and I teamed up to create room in my calendar to go and visit my dad for a few days. An obvious "answer" you might think, for this kind of upset, but if I hadn't done Solutions 1 and 2 before booking this trip, I would be looking for the trip to be magical, and to "solve" all the feelings I've ever had about this person. And we all know that no trip can accomplish that!
Doing Solutions 1 and 2 means that this trip is just an added boon, not something that MUST HAPPEN OR ELSE!!!
Want to give these solutions a try? Let us know how it goes!
And if you need support...
This kind of thing is perfect to explore in Dear EQ, What Do I Do? – our version of Dear Abby, where we look at various dilemmas through the lens of Emotional Intelligence!
As a matter of fact, this month's Dear EQ is being pushed back a week because someone – we won't name any names! – is taking a previously unplanned trip to see their dad, so you have a whole 'nother week to sign up and get your upset ready for discussion.
You can join us here!
(It's just $13 USD)
Much love,
Natalie (and Nathan)