Sweetest greetings to you, <<First Name>>,
How is your week starting off?
And if you give yourself a moment to tune in, what feelings do you notice with you now?
If you don't know the answer to that, there is a good chance that the children in your life don't either. Emotional self-awareness is the number one factor for Emotional Intelligence and it's taught through modeling!
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Daniel Goldman, who wrote the book: Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, outlines five elements of EQ: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Motivation, Empathy, and Socialization.
Here at the Center we think about it slightly differently, and in our Real EQ Test, we assess:
- Self-Awareness
- Self-Management
- Social Skills
- Emotional Sovereignty
Start at the Foundation
Emotional Intelligence is now considered far more powerful in shaping a successful and fulfilling life than Intellectual Intelligence (IQ), and each of the elements named above are crucial for overall proficiency. But Self-Awareness is the best place to start when supporting Emotional Intelligence because without it, developing the other elements of EQ becomes impossible.
Unlike multiplication tables, children do not learn Self-Awareness through flashcards, worksheets, and textbooks, they learn it like they learn their native tongue, by swimming in the self-aware, emotionally intelligent waters of their environment.
Model It
For children to become fluent in emotion, they need to hear this "language" daily and in multiple contexts, so here's a (non-exhaustive) list of ways to fold emotional awareness into your daily habits:
1. Name feelings when you feel them.
When the hose gets a hole in it again, figure out what you're feeling and say it out loud:
"Dang it! I feel so much FRUSTRATION around this stupid hose leaking! OMG I feel a lot of IRRITATION about this."
2. Ask specific HOW questions instead of WHAT questions.
Not:
"What did you do at school?"
Instead:
"How do you feel about the new seating assignment at school?"
3. Do emotional translations.
When the child says the dinner is stupid, make your best guess and translate their sentence into emotional awareness and pose it back to them as a question.
Child: "Ah man. Lentil soup is stupid."
Caregiver: "Are you feeling some disappointment about this soup?"
(Likely they will correct you and supply the more specifically accurate emotion they are feeling, which is great! That's self-awareness!)
4. Post a feelings list, or hang a Feeleez poster and use it.
When you, or a child in your home, is experiencing some upset, let a resource like a feelings list or a feelings poster do some of the heavy lifting. Sometimes it can be difficult to identify a feeling, but when we see it written or illustrated it can really help with the identification and expression.
5. Team up to make emotional translations for scenes in movies or TV shows.
While you'e watching a movie, or when you're reflecting on it later, it can be helpful to revisit scenes and put those scenes into an emotional context. In this way children start to see themselves and others through this lens, connecting actions to feelings.
"It seems like Nemo's dad feels a lot of worry and that's why he wants Nemo to be super careful all the time, what do you think?"
6. Don't make feelings right or wrong.
If a child names a feeling they're experiencing, it's important not to try to talk them out of it (even if it doesn't make sense to us), tell them that's not the right feeling for the situation, or even praise them for having a feeling we appreciate. When we do, we send the clear signal that some feelings are adult-approved and some are not, and that there is a right and a wrong way to experience the world. If we give kids the sense that they can do feelings incorrectly, they won't want to recognize, explore, or express their feelings with us. That's bad for Self-Awareness and terrible for developing EQ.
Not:
"It doesn't make sense to worry, honey, because there is literally nothing to worry about!"
(Example of talking them out of a feeling)
Instead: "Feeling some worry, huh? I hear ya. What parts are most worrisome?"
Not:
"What do you mean, you're sad?! When someone gives you a present you're supposed to be happy!"
(Example of making the feeling wrong.)
Instead:
"Oh wow, I didn't expect sadness... Want to tell me more about what's happening for you?"
Not:
"You're feeling brave? Good for you kid! That's how to be a BIG BOY!"
(Example of favoring one emotion over others, and indicating that a person should feel a particular way.)
Instead:
"You're feeling brave? Wow! It seems like you're really enjoying that feeling! Want to tell me what brave means to you?"
7. Play emotion-based games.
Nothing makes emotional learning more fun than having fun while doing it! The options are endless with this one, like...
– Feelings Charades: where one person acts out a feeling and the others try to guess.
– Feelings Mashup: where everyone tries to make their face show two feelings at once.
– Feeleez Matching Game: a classic memory game where all the cards depict feelings.
Any game that involves talking about feelings raises Self-Awareness and increases emotional vocabulary.
8. Make it routine.
Don't wait for a blue moon or a leap year to mention emotion. Make naming feelings commonplace. In fact, building feelings check-ins into the routines of the day ensures that you don't let this valuable practice slide.
Perhaps...
– Name feelings anytime you hit a red light.
– Name feelings before bedtime stories.
– Name feelings during the walk to school.
9. What ideas do you have for modeling emotional awareness?
The good news is that anytime you talk about feelings you normalize Self-Awareness and help kids have the language to identify and express their own. They're going to mimic you, so how do you want to make naming feelings a regular part of your life together?
You'll Get it Next Time
Building Self-Awareness and modeling it for the kids we love is a process. We're definitely going to miss opportunities to lead by example, and likely we're going to have feelings about that! So go ahead and name those (whether or not kids are around), give yourself some grace, kindness, and empathy, and then say: "I'll get it next time!"
With those words, your brain will help you flag this moment as something to pay attention to, likely increasing your chances of remembering next time.
In any case, we care about you and the kids you love. We're cheering for you all! Let us know how this lands for you and share any ideas that you come up with!
Much love,
Natalie and Nathan