We recently received a query in Dear EQ – our monthly membership that offers emotionally intelligent ideas for life's challenges – that went something like this...

I'm learning all this cool stuff about emotions and experiencing emotional safety for the first time by being part of your course, and now I find that I'm really noticing the areas in my life where I do NOT have this experience. I find myself demanding that my partner know how to support me, and it's really not working!

This happens for so many of us!

Many of us experience true emotional safety for the first time through experiences like NeuroEmotional Coaching sessions or programs like Dear EQ, What Do I Do?, and Emotional Sovereignty School. This pivotal moment opens our eyes to how impactful it can be to be received with empathy and support, but it also highlights the places in our lives where that safety and nurturing isn't...

Emotional safety feels good, and, of course, we we want to share all the ins and outs – what to do, what to say, etc. – with the people we love most. And it's common to feel some frustration, disappointment, or even resentment when those around us don’t immediately "get it", or reciprocate, or maybe don't even recognize what value our new tools offer.

We may even slip into the habit of insisting that our loved one offer us support in the ways we've been trying to teach them, and then turning away from, or against them when they're too slow, or too reluctant to get on board.

Have you been there?

You're not alone! (Even though we have each other, we've both been there too.)

So today we're sharing the 3 pillars we explored in that session of Dear EQ. Save them for the next time you want to bring neuroemotional support tools into an existing relationship:

1. Model (Don’t Teach or Demand)

When we really want our partners to give us good emotional support, it can be super tempting to take on a teacher role – telling them what they should be doing, or how they're doing it wrong, and then after the "lesson", when our partner still isn't meeting our emotional needs, we can start demanding they do what we want. And while that is a totally understandable scenario, it turns out that modeling the behavior we seek is exceedingly more effective than teaching and/or demanding.

We want to continue to show the people in our life what emotional safety looks like via our own actions, even when it feels challenging.

2. Stay In Connection

It can also be tempting to withdraw or give up on relationships once we realize the emotional needs we have, and that these needs aren't yet being met within that particular relationship. And sometimes, that actually is the kindest choice for our self. However, maintaining open-hearted interactions keeps the possibility of connection alive. If we are too quick to cut off relationships that are slow to build mutual emotional safety, we also cut off the potential for emotional safety to develop there.

When we want a certain relationship to meet some of our emotional safety needs, then keeping the door open, even if progress feels slow, is important.

**3. Process Our Own Feelings**

When others aren’t able to offer us the emotional safety we crave, it’s important to process our own emotions. This helps prevent our resentment or frustration from undermining the connection we’re trying to build! If we wait for the other person to help us with our feelings before we do anything about them, we'll overflow and do something we regret, and we'll inadvertently add pressure to their process, which can delay their learning, or stall it all together.

While we're investing in these three pillars, and while we're waiting for our close relationships to evolve, we must find other ways to meet our emotional needs. Coaching, peer support, or community-based programs like Emotional Sovereignty School, Dear EQ..., and NeuroEmotional Coach Training, can be powerful places to get these needs met while our closest relationships are still catching up.

We’ve seen beautiful examples of community members forming supportive daily rituals – like sending voice messages to check in and process their emotions together. Finding or cultivating spaces like this can help ensure we’re regularly receiving the emotional connection we need, even as we continue to navigate and model it in our personal relationships.

Bridging the gap between modeling emotional safety and receiving it is a gradual process. It doesn't happen overnight because it takes time for brains to build new emotional habits.

But it does happen.

We've seen it time and again.

You and your loved ones deserve all the emotional safety and nurturing your hearts' crave.

We believe in you. And we're cheering you on!

If you have an issue that you'd like to bring to Dear EQ, What Do I Do?, we're still welcoming members! In fact, when you sign up, you get access to all past recordings as well as several training modules to get your EQ skills pumped up. (It's only $13, you have nothing to lose and lots to gain.)

And we'd love to have you with us!

And as always, we're sending you so much love,
Natalie and Nathan 💛