How's it going for you today?
Have you had enough food and water?
Have you slowed down enough to notice what your body needs?
The reason we're asking is...
A common mistake that sabotages our wellbeing is the assumption that we no longer/never go into Survival Mode.
There is a classic myth out there that if we have done some personal development work – like therapy, classes, self-help books – then we're not someone who typically struggles with an extreme state like Survival Mode. There is a misconception that those who "worked on themselves" have perhaps graduated from that level of dysregulation.
Unfortunately, those of us that fall under the spell of this egregious fairytale don't identify with experiencing Survival Mode, and so don't reach for Survival support tools that could really help. Instead we routinely misdiagnose our state and inadvertently reach for the wrong tools.
We reach for journaling, "talking it through", or if there is any experience with the concepts taught in Emotional Sovereignty School, we reach for empathy, and curiosity.
These are great tools!
BUT NOT FOR SURVIVAL MODE.
They don't work for that. So we don't get traction if that's all we're using.
Here's the thing:
Doing any amount of "the work" (whatever self-development work that may be) does not immunize us against the kind of activation that invites Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease reactions.
Period.
Some amount of Survival reactivity is normal for every human.
Almost every day.
Did you hear that?
We hear from folks fairly often that they are using all their emotional support tools but still are off center. It goes something like this:
I'm over-eating. I'm not pooping. I can barely breathe.... I'm doing ALL THE THINGS: talking to my partner, journaling, naming my feelings and trying to find where I'm experiencing them in my body, but NOTHING IS WORKING!
And when we gently illuminate that symptoms like over-eating, not pooping, and shallow breathing are all signs of Survival Mode, that won't typically respond to tools meant for Emotional Mode... we hear:
Survival? Maybe? Gosh, I didn't think that would happen to me anymore. I mean, I've taken all the classes and done so much work on myself, so I thought those days of Survival Mode were behind me.
And, they're not.
Not for any of us. (Not even the "us" writing you this message! 😲)
Maybe we've been lucky enough to be able to invest sufficiently in retraining our nervous systems so that we no longer live from Survival Mode (which is huge by itself!), but each and every one of us will have seasons of Survival Mode – like after the passing of a loved one, or an acrid divorce, or a dire medical diagnosis, or a financial catastrophe. And each of us will also have regular Survival Mode moments, like when our emotional load reaches a tipping point, or we get pulled over for a ticket, or the principal of our child's school calls, or literally any form of acute stress surprises us.
This. Is. Normal.
We can't "graduate" from Survival Mode (we would die if we did, by the way) but we can help ourselves to move out of it efficiently.
It's time to drop the myth of the enlightened being that never "freaks out".
None of us have ascended to a non-human plane yet. And it's a disservice to ourselves and to what we're doing here to aspire to anything like this because it means we will deny ourselves the right kind of nurturing and support.
So today, when we inevitably meet our very normal Survival reactivity, let's hold off a bit on any emotional or intellectual support, and first focus on the tools that soothe the Survival System.
Some Tools that Do Work for Survival Mode:
Regulate temperature (get cooler or warmer depending on what you need)
Drink water
Have a light snack
Move slowly
If comfortable, gently touch any part of the skin slowly and repetitively
Long, slow exhales
Allow for the passage of time
There are more tools where these came from! If these don't work for you, reach out by responding to this email and we'll see if we can customize a tool kit just for you.
Here's to all of us tender, learning, fantastical humans.
We are so normal.
Much love,
Natalie and Nathan
Opportunities at the Center for Emotional Education:
The Real EQ Test
Premier Emotional Intelligence Assessment Tool
Dear EQ, What Do I Do?
Monthly Meetup to Unlock the Power of EQ in tricky situations
"Feel Better Already" Strategy Session
One-time per person complimentary offering
Community Release Ritual
Drop-In Group Session for Emoting toward Emotional Sovereignty