What They Don't Tell You About Grieving, Part 1

Hey friend,

I hope this finds you well. (Nathan coming to you directly, here.)

As you may already know, in addition to someone who's supporting folks with deep emotional processing and healing everyday, I'm also someone who is going through a season of grieving the loss of one of my closest people.

And while I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone (and it has invited in me even more empathy and compassion for those navigating it), my journey and research around it (because we all know I'm going to be researching until I am gone) has also been such an incredible and elucidating pedagogy. I am learning some of life's most terrible and essential lessons...

So, here’s one of the (many many) things they don’t tell you about grieving – the grief itself is just the tip of the iceberg.

I used to tell my clients, “Grief is long.” or “Grief is layered.” but I didn’t know the half of it…

In our culture, people allude to the messy, perpetual project of grieving with that timeworn and tidy 5-stage model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And when they want to be more emotionally evolved, they bookend those standards with “shock” and “processing the grief” in the more comprehensive 7-stage model.

But what both of these systems belie is the ways in which we cycle through, and eddy around in, and leap back and forth between these and really all manner of emotional states in the excruciating educational process of neuropsychologically coming to terms with the loss of a close loved one.

Grieving isn’t just going through the loss. It’s surviving the grueling and gruesome trial by fire of the brain learning life’s most appalling truth: my loved one is never coming back from this.

Depending on how close we are and how long our identity has been tied up with the person we’ve lost and are now grieving, our synaptic wiring, our memories, our concepts of self, our sense of belonging, our neurobiological sense of safety, even our fundamental understanding of being in the world and what we can predict therein must be *reordered*.

It’s like a concussion of intense experience the brain has to heal. A capital-T trauma – even from thousands of miles away, and even without seeing what happened or the actual passage of the person’s life.

Grief is a feeling. It comes and goes. It flits into and out of moments like breath.

Grieving, in contrast, is the longest labor. And as in childbearing, they don’t tell you about the afterbirth. *Unlike* bringing a life into the world, bringing a death into the world comes with a lifetime of secondary deaths.

Daily, weekly, seasonly, perennially, forever we bear the grieving without finish.

Too often, we and the world want us to rush onward from the contractions of this painful personal revolution. (Understandably, it’s a lot. And none of us have many tools or much help. And there isn’t any giving away or undoing of what’s been done.)

But there’s no fooling time. There’s no tricking the nature of us in birthing or in grieving.

We have to do the work. We have to breathe and cry and howl through the original loss, *and* all the tiny and terrible afterdeaths. We have to nurture our self through this perpetual labor, with all our tools, and our wits, and our communities.

That’s the only way through this awful learning.

💛

For me, the biggest feeling has been sorrow, not grief, per se. There’s also been surprise, shock, panic, indignation, apoplexy, rage, regret, mortification, guilt, sadness, woe, hurt, aversion, disgust, confusion, perplexion, bewilderment, gratitude, affinity, admiration, and love, to name a few…

I also noticed myself going through all the Survival states too: Fighting, Flying/distracting, Freezing up/playing dead, and Appeasing. I still can’t believe how many times and for how many days I had to endure some version of the thought, “Well, *maybe* it’s not true…?” flashing through my mind.

💛

If you’re grieving, I see you. I feel you. I know what it’s like to look around and not know that many people who get what’s happening through you.

I’m breathing with you. I’m holding space for all that I’m bearing in losing my brother, even amidst holding space for others like you and me.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

And I wouldn’t be able to do the work I do, or survive the reckoning and rewiring happening in my own brain right now, if I didn’t have the tools and support that I do. I don’t even want to try to imagine where I’d be without them...

If you want some help with the grieving process you're going through, I'd love to gift you a complimentary "Feel Better Already" strategy session with me. We'll spend 40-60 minutes – talking through what you've been experiencing and where you'd like to be with it, and then I’ll offer you some tools, strategies, and/or ideas that could help you have an easier time navigating your grieving. (This offer is for folks I'm not working with already. If we are working together already, let's talk about this in your next session!)

Keep breathing, keep going, keep learning.

Big love to you,

Nathan

💛

And, if I can be of any support to you at all, let me know. It’s what I do!

I am ready to gift you a Feel Better Already Strategy Session for you and your grief.

The Bullsh*t of Being Present (Part 2)

Hey again!

Remember how we called bullsh*t on the current cultural admonition to “just be present”?

Here’s why:

Because of how the brain works, and unless we’re staying in deep meditation with no other requirements for living 24 hours a day and 7 days a week – Zen-mode isn’t actually possible 100% of the time. The Law of Functional Priority doesn’t allow it.

In terms of neural function, the Law of Functional Priority just means that:

If, given the brain’s current read of our internal energy budget and other resources available to us, it assesses our environs as potentially threatening to our survival – regardless of facts or truths about what’s going on around us or inside us – the brain itself will prioritize being in a Survival state. (FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE, APPEASE!)

When we’re in a Survival state, the Emotional System (governing how we feel about things) and the Executive System (governing how present we can get) both shut down.

This is mostly because if we’re in danger of being eaten, it doesn’t matter how we feel about it, and it matters even less what we think, imagine, or can appreciate about it.

What does this imply for regular humans?

If dirty dishes send you into a Survival state – you absolutely can't sit still and enjoy your baby.

If your nervous system is sounding alarm bells – there is no possible, neurochemical way you can relax.

If your body is receiving any cues (real or imagined) of danger – no amount of gratitude can beat the cascade of stress chemicals and bring you back to the present.

In our opinion, it’s actually unkind to pretend that presence and relaxation are available to someone, when they simply are not. We've built a whole school around this!

If you, or anyone you know, wants to join us and learn how to get out of Survival Mode and have a chance at being present – wonderful!

If not, then we encourage you to at least give yourself some compassion.

There is nothing wrong with you. Likely your nervous system learned to be on the lookout for danger (and it was right to learn that because you needed to stay safe) and now the Law of Functional Priority means that you can't be on the lookout for danger and also be relaxing in the present moment at the same time.

When you have experienced any amount of trauma, it takes a lot more than intention, good luck, and a bath to actually be present in your own life.

If you want to know how to work your brain so you can be more present – we’ve got you covered.

We're with you. Rooting for you.

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

The Bullsh*t of Being Present (Part 1)

Despite the edginess in our subject line, we hope this finds you in a moment of peace.

We get our hackles up when we hear admonishments about just "being present".

Phrases like:

"The dishes can wait, your baby is only a baby once."

or

"Relaaaax! You stress too much! Enjoy this moment!"

or

"Do 100 gratitudes every day, so that you can really be present with all the good in your life."

We call bullsh*t!

It's not fair to admonish someone for feeling worry, for struggling to relax, for committing the terrible sin of "not being present", while at the same time giving problematic advice as to how to actually get present!

Seriously, if meditation beat out panic.

And gratitudes beat out despair.

And some jerk telling you to relax brought relaxation...

We'd all be kicking it in fulltime zen mode! But that's just not how it works.

Normal brain function doesn’t even allow for that. 

For many of us, staying safe and/or processing the times we haven’t been safe take priority in our brain over finding our bliss, clearing our minds, or being fully present in any moment – especially a slow, quiet, Zen moment.

So if our brain doesn’t prioritize the Zen moments… does that mean we never get to be present or have a say in our current state?

Fortunately, NO! Not by a long shot. (And we’ll tell you more about what we mean by that in our next message – part 2 of “The bullsh*t of ‘just be present’”.

We're with you. Rooting for you. Giving you everything we’ve got, to help you have an easier time.

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

P.S. If you resonate with concepts like these and want to learn more, we encourage you to check out our Emotional Sovereignty School.

School Starts Aug 8th

Learn More

This week I graduated.

This week I graduated.

There were no balloons or air guns. Just tears.
 

Let me explain.

The thing about self-development is that you’re scoring massive wins in most areas of your life long before you score any wins in those crux, core relationships.

So this graduation is a soaring win.

Drum roll please. 🥁

I graduated from being in a Survival State with two important family members! I no longer smile and go along and appease my way uncomfortably (and UTTERLY DISSATISFYINGLY) through our interactions.

I don’t do that anymore. I don’t even have to think about it. I just don’t do it.

Gimme a high five! ✋

And…

I’m always honest, so let me also share that graduating from a Survival State in a classically triggering environment doesn’t mean I’m walking on water or flying or strutting. It means I’m crying! 😭

When you graduate kindergarten you go into first grade. And when you graduate from a Survival Brain State you go into an Emotional Brain State.

So now, in this particular family dynamic, I didn’t Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease…

I CRIED so hard.

And named feelings.

And yearned and asked to be held and understood.

And even though this week I received lots of cues that my audience was writhing with discomfort, and not able to completely meet me where I was,

I didn’t tidy myself.

I didn’t wrap it up.

I didn’t hurry it up.

I didn’t apologize for my upset.

I just kept crying.

And kept expressing.

Did I feel embarrassment? Yes I did.

Did I feel discomfort that I was weeping and not being easy? Uh huh.

Do I feel disorientation that I’m acting outside my pattern? Yeah, I do.

But that’s ok.
 

When we do something new we usually feel feelings.

What I want most in this particular relationship is to be met with curiosity and empathy. And that means having feelings out loud in front of these individuals. It’s horrifying and scary, and I think worth it.

For the first time ever, in this  particular core relationship, I have hope of finally, maybe, getting some of what I need.

So toot the horns! Cue the parade! Celebrate with me! 🥳

Thank you!

Love,
Natalie (and Nathan)
 

Do you yearn to graduate too?

Is there a key relationship in which you’ve been operating from Survival?

I got you.

I’m ready to gift you a complimentary Feel Better Already Strategy Session*

Let’s figure this out together, huh?!

8 Crucial Reasons to Love Boundaries

8 Crucial Reasons to Love Boundaries:

• Boundaries are conduits to connection!

• Boundaries matter because we matter!

• Boundaries lead to agreements!

• Boundaries are neurochemically beneficial!

• Boundaries help us get our needs met!

• Boundaries set the tone for how we want to be treated in a relationship!

• Boundaries make it easier to say “No” when necessary!

• Boundaries invite a sense of security!

That's a lot of exclamation points! Can you tell there's some excitement for us around this subject?

If you want the What, Where, When, Why, and most importantly, the HOW of boundaries, join us for this weekend intensive. 
 

Last chance to sign up is today, June 2nd at 10:59pm, Pacific.

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

Is Your Word Choice Getting in the Way of What You Want?

We hope you're having a yummy week!

Have you ever consciously thought about how some words invite people to connect with us, and other words invite people to move away from us, or even against us?

It seems obvious on one level. "I love you" certainly feels better than "I hate you".

But it becomes less obvious, and even downright confounding when we, for example, use the "wrong" words to talk about our feelings.

Even though we might not think of it this way – for most of us, feelings are something that we want to share. We have that drive in order to get connection and also to get some help addressing the issue around which the feelings are coming up. Yet, often, even if we head into a constructive conversation with the best intentions, things get heated and defensive and argumentative pretty quick.

This sort of exchange can have us wondering if it's even worth it to try and communicate. If it always goes poorly, then what's the point? 

But really, the truth is, we've all been done a great disservice.

Because emotional learning is not as highly valued as reading, writing, and math – even in our long educational tenure most of us were not taught how emotion works, or how to work with it. So we're left to glean our knowledge from Hollywood, social media, and our parents, where we are taught words for feelings that are not actually feelings. These words tend to cause trouble instead of building connection.

Here are some narrative words that masquerade as feelings but are not feelings words:

• Ignored, Neglected, Left Out

• Betrayed, Disrespected, Done Wrong

• Invisible, Unheard, Misunderstood

• Coerced, Manipulated, Controlled

• Blamed, Maligned, Made the bad guy

These words may absolutely describe valid experiences, but when we use them to engender empathy and cooperation we usually only get defensiveness, excuses, and/or confusion.

Here's a classic unsuccessful dialogue:

• Person 1: "I feel totally neglected when you do that."

• Person 2: "What? What are you even talking about? I don't neglect you. I spent all day with you today." (Gets further away.)

If we want to have a meaningful conversation, and have a chance at connection, we want to find the feelings embedded in the narrative words.

For example... when we have the experience of being ignored, we may feel sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, and/or other feelings.

When we have the experience of not receiving respect, we may feel resentment, confusion, exasperation, and/or other feelings.

Narrative words are more likely to activate the Survival System of the brain in the person we're sharing with – resulting in reactions like Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease.

Feelings words usually resonate in the Emotional System of the brain in the person we're sharing with – allowing for empathy, connection, and compassion.


A Dialogue that is More Likely to Succeed:

• Person 1: "When I have the experience of someone not answering me when I call their name, I feel a lot of sadness and loneliness."

• Person 2: "Oh darn. That makes sense. Did that just happen?" (Comes closer.)

What other narrative words can you think of, that often get employed as feelings? 

Would you like to play around with your word choice and see what happens? Let us know how it goes!

We do group coaching to workshop dialogues like this in our upcoming Better at Boundaries Masterclass. If that sounds like something you could use (empathy and guidance in how to ace boundaries dialogues with your people), we'd love for you to join us!

A quick tap on that lovely blue button below will take you to all the details.

We're cheering for you!

Love,
Natalie and Nathan

5 Common Boundary Mistakes

It's simple:

You want someone to do something, or...you want someone to stop doing something.

But then when you talk to them about it, it goes badly.

Shoot!

Discovering boundaries and communicating them to our people can be so tricky! In fact, it's so tricky that, when set out to claim a boundary, most of us trip over 5 common mistakes:

 #1: Your boundary is outside your control

Boundaries are a limit we hold as a form of self-love, not something we coerce others to do.

YES: "I don't answer the phone after midnight."

NO: "You can't call me after midnight."

#2: Your boundary is too vague

Boundaries work best when we know who we are, what we like, and how to specifically honor that.

YES: "I like to schedule just one thing per day so that I get all the downtime I need."

NO: "You're always running me ragged. You have to respect my time."

#3: Your boundary is overzealous

Often, after years of repressing our own needs we can come on too strong in expressing them.

YES: "You may not know this, but I have a boundary around being tickled."

NO: "GET OFF ME! I NEVER WANT YOU NEAR ME AGAIN!"

#4: Your boundary is accusatory

When we claim a boundary while inadvertently accusing the other person, they get defensive instead of cooperative.

YES: "I have a health boundary around smoke, can we team up to designate smoking and non-smoking areas?"

NO: "Are you trying to kill me with this smoke? I need to be able to breathe!"

#5: Your boundary requires mind-reading

Sometimes fear prevents us from claiming a boundary, so we just hope somebody reads our mind instead.

YES: "6am is too early for me because I try to really honor my boundaries around enough sleep. Does 9am work?"

NO: "6am it is. Who needs sleep anyway, right?"

There are many more common boundary mistakes! And each one lands us deeper in the hole we're so desperate to get out of. Fortunately, the boundaries "recipe" we teach in our Better at Boundaries Masterclass will help you avoid these pitfalls and help you get what you want - whatever that may be. 

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

Will you root for Emotional Sovereignty with us?

Even though we are neuro-emotional relationship experts and founders of the Center for Emotional Education, we too used to struggle to be true to ourselves and to enjoy ourselves while in a relationship (or in any social setting really!).

Eventually we reached a point where each of us was like: “What the hell? Why is this so hard? When do I get to just coast and have a good time?” We realized we were spending so much time trying to be liked at the cost of just being who we were.

Thankfully, we stumbled upon the seed that initiated our own emotional revolution. We got really busy devouring more research, integrating neuro-emotional concepts, and synthesizing them into real-life strategies so that we could finally live as our authentic selves and deeply enjoy our relationships.

But we still remember how it is to feel lonely in a crowded room, or seem invisible even to our lover, or be so easily torn asunder by the feelings and actions of those we love. That’s why we’ve dedicated our career to supporting our community in relationships. To bring the gift of an emotional revolution to others.

We’re not tip-toeing around anymore, trying to make our work fit into a mainstream model. Emotional sovereignty is not a catchword! (At least not yet.)

Will you root for emotional sovereignty with us?

It would mean the world to us!

Love,

Natalie & Nathan

How to Keep Your Relationships While Honoring Your Boundaries

We hope this finds you in a moment of ease.

Have you ever been cruising along, “going with the flow”, keeping it cool, staying out of it, trying to be calm and collected – and then your kid or your partner crosses some line, commits some sort of household “crime”, and you absolutely e x p l o d e?

And in the midst of your exploding you lay down some firm and extreme line, like:

“I’M THROWING YOUR PHONE IN THE TRASH!”

Or,

“THAT’S IT. I WILL NO LONGER DO ANYTHING NICE FOR YOU EVER AGAIN!”

Or,

“YOU’RE GROUNDED UNTIL SUMMER!”

Ever wonder – what the heck is that about? Is that even a boundary I can maintain?

Why do our boundaries get so wildly out of step with the “crime”?

The truth is, we often try to use boundaries as a way to do something about our uncomfortable feelings. Especially those uncomfortable feelings we tend to look away from...

And then one day, the kid makes a face or refuses to do something, or the partner moves our stuff without asking, and those uncomfortable feelings are IGNITED.

We are so desperate to get away from the feelings, to make them stop, that all of a sudden attempting to severely control the actions of our people feels not only like a good idea, but the only idea.

Oof. Dang...

Boundaries can be such bewildering creatures.

Is it fair to say that finding a different way to manage this whole scenario might be appealing? We think so...

Sometimes we can see a boundary coming from miles away. We see it on the horizon and can declare it elegantly, kindly, gently. We know we have strong needs and preferences and when we’re able to give our people a heads-up they are far more likely to help us out by honoring the boundary.

Other times we don’t anticipate our own agitation or our own triggers. Perhaps we don’t see them coming, or maybe we were distracted, or perhaps we weren’t brave enough to speak up ahead of time. Now that we’re "in it", we reach recklessly for the boundary, and in throwing it down we hurt people we love.

Sometimes we’re so unprepared that we aren’t careful or kind and the boundary rips through the relationship inviting major damage.

Sometimes our boundaries come so late and so fiercely that they burn down the relationship entirely.

Want to keep your relationships and yet honour your boundaries?

Are you tired of breaking up with friends, neighbors, partners, bosses? Are there people you simply can’t break up with? Like your kids?

Who doesn't want better boundaries if it means that your relationship is livable?!

Over the years, we’ve supported hundreds of our students and community to have an easier, more fluid, and more successful experience claiming and maintaining their boundaries.

This year, we're bringing all the concepts and tools that made the Better at Boundaries companion programs we’ve created so innovative, useful, and transformative into a potent live weekend experience!

Beloved clients, students, and friends – we give you the Better at Boundaries Masterclass 2023 – June 3rd and 4th on zoom.

This is our opportunity to share with you all we've learned from 22 years of research, 16 years of practice with our 1:1 clients, and a decade of teaching about boundaries specifically. And this is your opportunity to learn more than you ever knew you needed to know about how to honour your own boundaries, and team up with your loved ones for mutual needs-meeting with ease, flow, and serious success.

Want to come along with us for this super fun and life-enhancing weekend? You're just who we want to be there with!

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

Shelter-in-Place is not something any of us have ever had to do. If you're like us you probably have swung through a number of reactions -- ranging from a sense of delightful novelty to a sense of deep despair.

What we're hearing specifically for many people is: "I'm an EXTROVERT! This is really hard for me. I yearn to be around more people! I'm really struggling!"

And conversely, we're also hearing: "I'm an INTROVERT! I like to have time by myself in the house! With everyone home all the time I don't feel like I can recharge!"

Can you relate to either of these positions?

We're here to help. Check out this video for some support, and please reach out if you need or want some personal support as well.

Love,

Natalie and Nathan

Here's your outline for the video! 

Shelter-in-Place Struggles for Introverts and Extroverts -- How To Help Yourself

1. Extroverts are struggling because they have a need for being around people!

2. Introverts are struggling because they have a need for alone time! 

3. What to do when circumstances don’t meet our needs 

4. Level 10 Upset 

   1. Survival Brain reactions

   2. One Survival Brain strategy -- Bodylove: Food/Water, Rest/Digest Position

5. Level 5 Upset 

   1. Emotional Brain responses

   2. One Emotional Brain strategy -- Notice, Name, Touch

6. Not Currently Upset? 

   1. Executive Brain capabilities

   2. Executive Brain strategy -- Brainstorm! 

      1. Organize distanced neighborhood zumba for extroverts, eg 

      2. Set up a house schedule so that you have a whole room to yourself for at least an hour every day

7. Get Further Support -- You can’t white-knuckle this 

There is NO Misbehavior

A New Way of Seeing our Children’s Emotionally-Triggered Actions

Mis + Behavior

Here’s something with which all parents everywhere have to deal. Just for signing up as a parent, we’ll have to face this little concept. We’ll be asked to pick sides, to align ourselves with certain strategies, and to commit ourselves fully to waging all-out war. We’ll be told we have no choice.  That anything else would be, well – permissiveness.

But we’ve made a huge imaginary Mis + Take…

The word “misbehavior” means: “an improper, inappropriate, or bad manner of acting”, and of course this means in terms of social norms, family rules, etc.. In use, though, it’s commonly applied to any action that we grown-ups don’t like, and never fails to imply some nefarious intent on the part of the “misbehaver”. The truth is, however, that children (especially young ones) who are experiencing powerful emotions aren’t choosing actions -- they’re compelled by their feelings to act in ways that they can’t regulate. They aren’t misbehaving. They’re doing exactly as their biology intends. And whether we like it or not, it couldn’t be more appropriate for where they are developmentally and what they are experiencing physio-emotionally.
 

The Safety System or Ain’t Misbehavin’

When children experience intense emotion, they lose contact with the executive part of the brain. That means, just like someone with Alzheimer’s can’t access the brain machinery for memories, so too, an upset child can’t access the brain machinery for thinking clearly, or acting carefully. When emotion strikes, that emotion has to be dealt with first in order for the executive brain, which controls thinking and motor impulses (among a host of other higher functions), to come back online. This happens in one or more of three ways:

1.     Like every healthy mammal, the child calls out for help and receives the empathetic support that she needs in order to let out the emotion, and/or get other needs met, and then returns to a calm state and higher-brain function.

2.     The child’s nervous system obliges her body to some action to discharge the intensity of the uncomfortable feeling. Her brain is on it’s way to reverting to a survival state, and punching her sister is a tiny release, a minor, incremental improvement over the jealousy and powerlessness, etc., she was feeling just before.

3.     The child stuffs the feeling and tries to move on, though encumbered more and more by accumulating, painful feelings; until 1. and/or 2. above happens.
 

What we’ve been trained to call “misbehavior” is actually a neural survival mechanism…

When our kids cry for help, it’s easier to see, but we’d do well to become skilled at recognizing the call for assistance in their disagreeable actions as well. Their brains are driving them to do something to which we’ll attend, so that they can get the emotional support they need in order to return to higher functionality. And what’s more -- they can’t stop it without our help because their impulse control is in the executive brain where they’ve lost access. It’s honestly unrealistic for us to expect that they’d be able to act in any other way! They’re doing exactly as is normal and best for the human brain. Period. And if we want to help them “act right” and “make good choices” then we have to help them get “back in their right minds”.

When children are behaving in ways that don’t fit in with the herd, it’s actually a very fortunate signal that there’s something wrong with how they feel. And if there’s something wrong with how they feel, it’s usually a sign that they have a need that is going unmet. So the next time your kid “acts up” you can thank him for being so clear with you!

                                                                     Emotional Anatomy Chart from Feeleez

Working in Reverse

Fortunately, this system is a two-way street. We can have a massive effect on how our kids act simply by how we attend to their feelings and their needs.

When a child is engaged in an activity that we would normally call misbehavior, we have an enormous opportunity before us…

 Instead of just punishing or guilt-tripping our way into smoldering, temporary compliance, we can turn this rift in the family joy into a boon for the relationship and invite our children to a whole range of other more agreeable types of actions, just by being with them in empathy. Here’s a few ideas to start:

1.     Respond to the signal for help – recognizing that our children are being forced to “act up” and can’t “put on the breaks”; and recognizing their suffering and need for assistance.

2.     Get curious – instead of trying to hammer in a lesson on etiquette (for which the higher brain is necessary to hear and remember), we can look under the surface of the behavior for the uncomfortable feeling(s) driving it; and find out if there is an(other) unmet need associated with it. Ask, “What’s going on for you, love? Are you upset?” and wait and listen. Remember that when we parents feel disrespected (or saddened, or enraged) by the behavior, that’s a good indication of what feeling it is discharging for the child, too.

3.     Assist children with the feelings involved and struggling to get out – they need our help to let out those big emotions and calm down and “think straight” again. The shortest distance between our children’s disagreeable actions and ones we’d rather see is through the co-managed off-loading of their painful feelings. Be with them in empathy in whatever manner(s) they like best for solely the feelings piece. And wait.

4.     Then if there is an(other) unmet need fueling the uncomfortable emotion, we can help meet that as well. Look for a need to meet in every action that annoys, and find a more agreeable way to meet it. We can almost always find ways to meet our children’s needs in a manner that works for us as well, but if for some reason we can’t, then it’s a clear indicator that our work right then lies in assisting with the feelings associated with that disappointment instead – remaining firm while focusing on being kind.

This process restores family peace, reaffirms the parent-child bond, and makes way for more ideal actions and better, higher-brain choices to follow. Every time.

Now, don’t get hung up on whether or not to “give in” to your child’s ill-conceived or worse controlled plans to have his or her needs met…

Assisting with feelings and meeting needs is separate from condoning actions. We can do all of the above, and then when they can hear us, still talk about what we’d prefer they do in the future. And because of how we’ve handled them, we’ve made it easier and more attractive for them to handle us with empathy, too. And when it comes right down to it, that’s all we hope to teach them about how to “behave” anyway! Once we translate “misbehavior” as “having feelings and trying to get needs met” then we can see, we don’t have to wage war on what they do, we just have to meet them where they are.
 

*

Be well.

Overload

Feel overwhelmed by parenting tips, advice, and admonitions???

Sometimes all the information out there about "doing it right" can be too much to absorb, let alone implement. Here's a shortcut:

When in doubt, choose the RELATIONSHIP. Any choice that brings you and your child more connection is the right one.

When all is said and done the strength of your relationship is what carries you through any rough patches. Let your connection be your main motivation and everything gets better and better.

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The Praise Quandary

When your child is behaving in a pleasing way do you feel like praising the heavens? Do you feel like praising him?

Although this is a very natural response it's one we need to think about carefully. Reward, including verbal praise, is an EXTRINSIC motivator. And it turns out that this type of motivation eventually backfires.

In other words, praising your child for waiting patiently just might discourage your child from waiting patiently next time! Oh no!

Would you like your child to keep up that particular pleasing behavior? 

Instead of praising him, which erodes cooperation over time, share with him your appreciation and how his actions are beneficial to others.

"You are sitting so patiently and so quietly. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. When you wait like that I can really concentrate and get this job done quickly."

Helping others feels good and that feeling provides the INTRINSIC MOTIVATION to repeat the helpful action.

CAUTION: Kids have "falseness radar"! Be as genuine as you can in your appreciation. Be specific as to why and how their help is beneficial.

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Not the Teen Years Already!!

Are you already seeing TEEN-like behavior in your child? Does that have you worrying about the coming years?

The teen years can feel daunting. Want to set yourself up for success? Start now! A successful teen-parent relationship hinges entirely on connection. Build it up now by:

-playing and laughing
-providing touch by wrestling and hugging
-showing curiosity with non-judgmental questions
-modeling respect with your words and actions
-empathizing with all feelings (good and bad)
-spending non-stressful time together
-being totally and utterly trustworthy

Bonus: Everyone starts feeling good now! Preparation for the teen years is a win for your present AND future family life.

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Empathy Does Not Equal Agreement!

Is your child ever upset about something that makes NO SENSE???

It's incredibly hard to have empathy for a child when we COMPLETELY DISAGREE with what they are saying.

The good news? Empathy does NOT = agreement! Empathy means to feel the feelings of another, not to justify or corroborate.

Example: Child: "Why did they have to say that, like I'm the stupidest person in the world?! They're stupid, not me."

Parent: "You didn't like how your friends said that. Darn. Are you mad about it or sad?"

We can recognize the feelings without agreeing with the description.

Phew!

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Get Me Dad!

What's up with WRESTLING? Why are kids crazy about it? Why do they want to do it even if a wrestle session often ends in tears???

Here's why: the very best way for kids to release emotions that have built up over the course of the day is to LAUGH or CRY. A wrestle session with a tuned-in, enthusiastic parent often provides BOTH.

So next time your kid is getting rowdy right before bed, challenge them to a match! They'll LAUGH their heads off, and when they inevitably go too far and end up in tears they can CRY in your arms. With a heart cleared of all those tough emotions sleep will come easily.

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Ugh

Does anything feel worse than the droopy, sad, and scared look your child takes on after you YELL at them?

It's so awful.

All parents, at some point or another, yell. It isn't our top choice. It isn't how we'd like to handle any situation, no matter how tough. It doesn't even work to change behavior, it only works to damage our relationship frown emoticon

But it still happens.

What to do?

1. Clear out any stored emotions by recognizing them and naming them- Making yourself less likely to BLOW.

2. When you do yell, admit your wrongdoing without excuses. "Honey, I'm so sorry I yelled at you. That is not how I want to communicate. I'm sorry it was scary. I made a mistake."

3. Repair the relationship by re-establishing connection: Eye contact, touch, and empathy.

4. Forgive yourself.

xo

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Don't Leave!

Does your child sob when you leave them? Do you reassure them that you'll "be right back"? Are they still upset?

As it turns out rational thinking is a higher brain function and when kids are heart-broken at your departure this function is unavailable to them. 

Empathy is your friend in this instance and every other instance of upset! "You're sad I'm leaving huh? Darn. That doesn't feel good." Some time and a good snuggle will send the empathy home. 

You'll still walk out the door and you'll leave a much better-feeling child behind. 

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Grateful

Gratitude. Ooh baby, this is probably the feeling we want our children to express more than any other.

Have you heard of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation? When we prompt our kids to say thank you we are using extrinsic motivation. They say thank you because they are trying to please us, or stay out of trouble. When they come to gratitude on their own and say thank you without prompting, they are using intrinsic motivation. They are saying it because they feel it and because saying so feels good to them.

Science tells us that for long term behavior repetition, intrinsic beats extrinsic HANDS DOWN. In fact, the use of extrinsic motivation actually makes it less likely that a child will repeat the behavior over time!

So what to do?

1. Model gratitude. Say thank you every chance you get. 
2. Stop forcing and prompting thank yous. 
3. Stop praising the use of thank yous. (Rewards are extrinsic motivators!)
4. Trust. Your child is actually grateful and if given a chance will demonstrate that in their own way, on their own schedule.

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Fine

Is this what your child looks like when you ask him how he's feeling? Do you always get the same answer, a rote "Fine", even when you can tell there is something more going on?

Here are two crucial elements for growing your child's emotional intelligence:

1. Safety. If your child doesn't feel safe from judgement he won't open up. Be sure to be neutral about ALL FEELINGS- the good, the bad, the ugly.

2. Modeling. Talk about your own feelings throughout the day! How do you feel about the traffic? The spring buds? The cat barf? Make "emotional talk" the norm.

Do these two things and watch your boy, or girl, unfold. Find out what is inside that beautiful little heart.

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